If you’re going to fight a hydra, be sure to bring plenty of extra towels. You see, the problem with trying to kill this freak is that you have to remove all of its weird, snakelike heads—but every time you chop any of the damn things off, two new ones grow right back to replace it. The towels are to wipe off the acidic blood that sprays everywhere out of the neck stump after you make the cut. We left a stack of them near the entrance of the mineshaft so we could retreat to clean the acid off before it melts through too much armor. I’m back at our stash of towels, giving my suit a good once-over when Piper pops up in front of me with a goofy grin plastered across her face. She’s swiping huge globs of the steaming blood off her armored legs as she announces in a singsong voice, “I know what to do~! I know what to do~! You’ll be proud of me for this one. After you chop the heads off, I can use a sword enchanted with fire to cauterize the neck wounds and seal them shut. Before new ones have a chance to grow back!”

  I toss a rapidly disintegrating towel to the ground as I tell her, “Uh-huh. You know before we left, your father told me that if I let anything happen to you he would personally flay me in front of the entire court.”

  Off to my left, one of our cohorts lets out a blood-curdling death wail as acid gets under his helmet and melts through the side of his neck. Once the monster’s blood makes contact with your skin, you’re pretty much toast. After spending two weeks trudging through open wilderness with this guy, all I can do now is watch as he claws off his helmet and the bottom half of his head melts in front of me. He was a more than capable infantry soldier named Jason who came highly recommended by his sergeant. Or maybe it was Justin, I don’t know, but I thought he was an alright guy. Smelled a bit rank but I did enjoy his jokes. I’m grimacing at the man’s smoldering body when the king’s niece snorts. “You know my father’s too squeamish for that sort of thing! He won’t even eat shellfish because of the way they crunch.”

  “…Right.” My eyes are still fixed on the melting man.

  “He’d make someone else flay you.”

  My head whips back in her direction, expression unchanged. She gives me a coy little smile as she reassures, “Nobody’s gonna flay you, I promise. Father was…probably kidding. And anyway, I’m not getting killed. A hydra can’t kill a woman of noble blood, everyone knows that. Fate will have its way with the beast and I will prevail. It can’t happen any other way.”

  I correct her, “That myth only applies to royal women from within the realm that the monster resides in. We chased this thing across the border into Matsuria two days ago. And besides, it’s just a myth. I don’t know why you believe any of that nonsense. Look, it already sprayed acid all over you once.”

  Her grin only widens. “Wellll, my great aunt married a Matsurian fellow and that makes me royal blood in both realms. So, HAH!”

  “…I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.” Another one of our soldiers is being reduced to a puddle of liquified meat. I don’t remember his name but I know he was a young one. We have a high turnover in Valencia’s Royal Beast Brigade so I tend not to get too close to the grunts. There are only five of us left standing now, including the princess and myself. The lad sizzles at the feet of the hydra as I inform Piper, “In any case, you’d have to be a virgin for that myth to even apply to you.” I glance back and arch an eyebrow at her.

  “Then it’s a good thing I am, not that it’s any of your business.”

  Dammit. “But were you born on the first full moon of the year while Vulcanite was in retrograde? That’s the only way it’ll work.”

  Her smile finally flattens out. “The first full moon of the…you just made that up, didn’t you!”

  I don’t argue with her. “Look, flaying aside, I do have a conscience and I don’t want to see you get hurt. So do me a favor and stay back here while I do my job. Before any more of these soldiers have to die.” She crosses her arms and gives me that pouty face I know all too well. She’s the only member of this party I actually sort of care about, so I give it one last try, “Trust me, I know what I’m doing. Just keep your distance and use that bow of yours. It’s what you’re good at anyway.” She opens her mouth to say something else but I’m already racing toward the beast with my sword in one hand and my shield in the other. I bellow to my lieutenant while I run, “Pinchenko, enchant your sword with fire! As I cut, you cauterize the wounds to seal them shut before new heads can grow in.”

  I whack one of the heads aside with my shield when I reach Pinchenko. He gives me a nod. “Yes, sir. Though I question whether that logic is entirely sound.”

  “Just humor me. Get on its back if you have to and try not to die.”

  “If I must.” Not the most companionable of soldiers but I can’t deny that the man is quite useful. Brave, loyal. Not terribly bright. Perfect for a second-in-command. And being a member of the nobility means he has the power of enchantment. The two of us split up. As he runs, he whispers to his weapon and the blade turns red hot. I take a swipe at one of the heads while I yell at Wizard Fallow, “Cast a spell to create a rainstorm that will wash the acid off as we work!”

  The wizard crosses his cloaked arms and scowls at me from relative safety at the edge of the mineshaft. “And how do you propose I do that with no sky to form clouds in, O wise Captain?”

  “You’re the wizard, figure it out!” He grudgingly uncrosses his arms and then his eyes go completely white as he presents his staff and mutters magically toward the ceiling of the mine. A few seconds later I feel the drip-drip-drip of water leaking straight out of the rocky surface above my head. I hazard a glance over my shoulder to make sure the princess is still near the entrance. Good girl. I think my looks would be lessened somewhat if I were to have all my skin removed by the king’s brother or anyone else if she gets herself killed under my watch. Plus, I rather enjoy her company. Easily the best looking member of our party.

  This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

  I retreat to catch my breath as Pinchenko runs around the monster’s backside. Then I stare the thing down. Eight feet tall with more than a dozen heads at this point. I think there were seven when we walked in. Which makes us officially outnumbered. When I take off in a sprint towards it, one of the heads sees me coming and I have to perform a balletic twirl on my toes to avoid losing an arm. It chomps at the air behind me as Pinchenko scales its back, swiping at one of the heads to keep it at a distance while he climbs.

  I jockey my way in between two of the necks and take a swipe with the Kingsblade, one of few weapons capable of severing the creature’s bone. You don’t actually have to be a king to use it, it’s just called that to make it sound important.

  One head flies off and Wizard Fallow brings a downpour over the wound to wash away the acid blood. Pinchenko shouts from his perch atop the monster’s back, “You’ll put my blade out with all this water you daft wizard! I need it to stay hot.” He’s straddling one of the serpentine necks between his legs while it jerks around to try and knock him off and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t look more than a little humorous. But I suppose I’ll save the dick-monster jokes for when my life isn’t under imminent threat.

  The color in the wizard’s eyes returns as he yells at Pinchenko, “But the acid! If it touches your skin—”

  “Just do as he says, wizard! We’ll be fine.” I’m not at all sure that’s true but dying in here is better than being flayed by Piper’s father so I’ll take my chances.

  “As you wish, Captain.” The rain ceases and steam rises from Pinchenko’s sword. Then he presses it against the bleeding neck as another of the creature’s heads takes a swipe at him. I step on one that’s near the ground to catapult myself up and decapitate the threat to Pinchenko. He turns his blade around and cauterizes the wound immediately after. A mist forms around the now-immobile neck as it slumps to the ground. We do the same to two more heads. And then another. This shit might actually work.

  Off to my left, several of the beast’s heads are wrangling with the axe-wielding Lady of Lorain, Tabitha. She’s just relieved two more necks of their heads with her mystical double-sided axe, Labrys. It tends to only be weapons with proper names that can be used to kill monsters of this stature. I yell at the simpleton as she hacks away at yet another neck, “Not until we’re ready! More heads will just grow back!”

  She pulls back and throws a hand up to salute me. “Aye aye, Cap’n!”

  “Tabitha, I’ve told you I’m not that kind of captain! Stop talking like we’re on a pirate ship.”

  “Aye! I mean—“

  Two flaming arrows fired in rapid succession embed themselves in the flailing neck stumps, right where the cuts from Tabitha’s axe were made. I glance back and see Piper nocking another arrow into her bow as she whispers enchantments to light it aflame. I have more pressing matters to attend to than to babysit an unruly princess so I turn back toward the beast. Piper’s arrows have special flammable tips that burn like hell until the two thrashing neck stumps seal shut and fall to the ground.

  Pinchenko is hacking uselessly at one of the necks that still has a head attached. His weapon can’t cut through the monster’s bone so I give it a go with the Kingsblade and send another leathery head tumbling to the ground. I have to throw my shield up over my face and fall alongside the freed head now that acid is spraying everywhere, showering Pinchenko and melting right through to his skull. I look away as Fallow tries to rain away the acid-blood but it’s too late. My lieutenant is a goner and surely I’m next. With the amount spraying out of this particular neck, I figure this must have been the prime head.

  Just as I’m making my peace with whatever spiteful god willed this fate upon me, two flaming arrows soar over my head and implant themselves into the neck wound. Then they sit and sizzle until it’s sealed shut. All the remaining heads turn toward the severed neck in the middle and look like they might be weeping. Or whatever the hydra equivalent of weeping is. The one in the center must really have been the prime head. I scramble to my feet and continue the work, lopping off distracted and distraught heads all over the place as a barrage of fiery arrows from Piper’s bow seals each of the wounds shut one by one.

  When it’s finally done and I’m catching my breath over the creature’s slumped-over body, I look back at what’s left of our party and see Tabitha kneeling on the ground with her hands over her face. Wizard Fallow is crouching in front of her, mumbling with his eyes closed. Looks like he’s casting a healing spell on her. Piper and I trade nervous glances as we both holster our weapons and run over to inspect. When I’m standing over them, I fold my arms and ask the wizard, “She gonna be alright?”

  He stops muttering and says without opening his eyes, “She was gravely wounded by the acid but thankfully I was here to save her with this spell. Truly lucky she is that I was here.” My eyes roll back toward the grimy ceiling as I unfold my arms. The only thing more powerful than a wizard’s witchcraft is his ego.

  Piper kneels down and pulls Tabitha’s hands gingerly aside to inspect her face. “Can I see? Oh, it’s not so bad! Fallow did a great job patching you up, didn’t you, Fallow!”

  Goddamnit, now the wizard’s beaming with pride. I shake my head and tell the lot of them, “Well, my lieutenant’s been liquefied so I guess someone’s getting a promotion. Seeing as I have no one else to promote, congratulations Tabitha, you’re our new lieutenant.”

  She whips her head up to face me with a big toothy grin. “Oi, really?! You mean it, Cap’n?” Again with the pirate-talk. It might be endearing if not for the fact that now one of her eyes is missing and I can see straight through to her meat-covered skull. Fallow really did a bang up job with that healing spell.

  I hold one hand up to shield myself from the sight of it. “Yeah, whatever. Congrats. Just cover that up, would ya? A bird’s gonna make a nest in that thing when you’re sleeping.” Poor girl just throws one hand up over the gaping eye socket to comply. Looks like she even had a couple teeth knocked out during the melee.

  Piper takes pity on her and rips a sleeve off to tie it around Tabitha’s head and cover the wound. After doing an admittedly decent job at it, she cups her palms around both sides of Tabitha’s face to turn her toward me and declare, “Beautiful as ever! I think we’re both ready to go to the Royal Ball, me and Tabby! Don’t you agree, Captain?”

  Great, now they’re both looking at me waiting for me to say something supportive or heartfelt or whatever.

  “...Uhhhh.” Anything but that.

  Tabitha is actually smiling despite the horrendous eye wound and the missing teeth and…“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

  Piper lowers her hands and squints up at me. “What’s wrong?”

  I motion toward Tabitha’s mangled face and tell her, “Now she even looks like a goddamn pirate.”

  Hi everyone, thanks for giving this story a shot! This is a fantasy action-comedy with romance, banter, and escalating stakes. Updates will be frequent early on.

  Enjoy!