This is a tale about a man with lots to say but nobody’s listening, alright? He lives with his cat and has a girlfriend but she’s never listening. The cat listens but the cat doesn’t understand anything because it’s a dumb cat. Even the smartest cats couldn’t understand this guy.
Anyway his name is not important just know that he’s figured a lot of stuff out in his time and the world would be better off knowing it. Only problem is no one’s listening.
You’re probably thinking well why doesn’t he go tell people but you’re missing the point. They’re like the cats, you see. Even if he told them they wouldn’t get it. It’d bounce off them like ping pong balls. Not to mention he’s shy and he also lives in a different country and doesn’t speak the language well.
So what does he do? He shoves an SOS in a bottle and throws it in the ocean. And it rides the waves — the computer waves, that is, because this bottle is shaped like a digital newsletter. Now of course there’s not a lot of people on this guy’s newsletter at first. It’s just his mother and his two brothers bozo 1 and bozo 2. Yeah they get the newsletter but they don’t get it, you know? They’re missing everything.
Anyway he writes these things for about a year when all of a sudden he gets an email from someone he doesn’t know asking to subscribe to the newsletter. He doesn’t discriminate so he adds the guy or gal. The next week he gets a message saying how this new subscriber loved the newsletter. He doesn’t reply. He gets that message every week from his mother. But then he looks at the message again and he sees a pattern. A secret clue telling him to go somewhere at midnight.
He deciphers more of the code and then feeds his cat and then goes to the monument in the woods near his apartment. There’s this war monument thing, you see. Anyway he gets there and it’s midnight and then a woman comes out of the trees. This woman is wearing a pantsuit and she’s very attractive. She tells him that they’re impressed with his newsletter and that he can come with her or he can go home. He asks her how long this is going to take and she says something cryptic like the rest of your life. Well he doesn’t like that so he goes home to his girlfriend and tells her what happened. Oh boy is she not happy. She says she wants to write an article in the newsletter for next week and so he lets her.
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The article goes like this: To whoever lured my man into the woods at midnight, please go away. My boyfriend has an apartment to take care of and a cat to feed.
It’s not her best work but he hopes she got her frustrations out. Well hell hath no fury like a woman scorned because the pantsuit woman comes back and she kidnapped his girlfriend. She leaves a note saying same time same place.
So he goes to the forest again and this time agrees to follow her. The monument opens up like psssssssss and there’s a lot of smoke and lights. Turns out it’s an elevator and they get in and they ride down and it takes so long that it gets awkward but he doesn’t break. At the bottom the door opens and it’s a giant empty air-hanger looking place. He thinks this is weird and he turns around but the woman is gone up the elevator and now he’s totally alone. Then a door opens at the other end of the giant room and the prime minister walks in. He walks towards our guy and extends his hand, saying it’s nice to finally meet you, Mr— but our hero has already started speaking his most sacred riddles. The prime minister falls on the floor and starts to spasm as his circuits fry and little bits of electricity fly out of him.
A slow clap is heard. Well done. I should have knows that you wouldn’t be fooled by our little charade. Tell me, when did you first discover that the PM was… artificial, the voice in the shadow says.
He tells him that that doesn’t matter and what he wants to know is where his girlfriend is. The voice says that she is safe but will not be released until he does something for them. He asks what and the voice says something that changes his life forever…
