I dropped my head into my hands, a ragged sigh escaping my lips.

  Should I just block Jones and ignore him? No. If I ghost him, he will retaliate. He will go straight to Daeron and tell him everything—that I’m actually his official girlfriend. Knowing how fiercely loyal Daeron is to his brothers, finding out from Jones would be the worst possible choice, right? He would feel like a traitor.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, a crushing, chaotic load of thoughts flooding my exhausted mind.

  But... how am I supposed to tell Daeron the truth? Will he even understand my reasons, or will it just sound like pathetic excuses? I’m so afraid he will be disgusted with me. I'm terrified he will hate me. Yet, he deserves so much more than me, doesn't he? What guy would actually want a broken, cowardly girl who lied and slept with his best friend behind his back? Fuck!

  I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think straight. Desperate for a distraction, I blindly grabbed my phone. I realized I had forgotten to text Daeron to tell him I was back from campus. My thumbs shook as I opened our chat.

  Jessica: Tiger! I’m already at home. Where are you?

  Three pulsing dots appeared immediately. He always replied so fast.

  Daeron: I’m still at Nikoy’s pce. Wrapping up now, I’ll head home right away.

  Daeron: Oh wait, I’m going to drop by the corner bodega first to grab some groceries for dinner. Do you want anything specific?

  Jessica: I just want you, Tiger <3

  Daeron: Understood. No need to buy the Guittard chocote then.

  Jessica: Hey!!! Don't you dare!

  Daeron: LOL! I’ll be back, 20 mins max!

  Jessica: Safe travels, Cap’n!

  A genuine, warm giggle bubbled up in my chest. I smiled at the glowing screen, feeling that familiar, intoxicating flutter in my stomach.

  But the warmth vanished as quickly as it came, instantly repced by a violent, sickening wave of guilt.

  Oh God! Look at me. Look how easily I completely forget my massive, life-ruining problems just from a simple text exchange with him! He is so effortless to love. How can I possibly look him in the eye and say this to him? I'm going to destroy us. Fuck!

  I shoved the phone into my pocket and walked out to the balcony. Daeron had given me this space as our personal sanctuary. It was the pce where I usually felt the safest. But tonight, stepping out onto the cold concrete felt like walking up to the gallows. A deep, heavy sorrow settled in my bones.

  I colpsed onto the floor cushions, pulling my knees to my chest as I watched the Chicago skyline dim into a bruised purple.

  The clock is aggressively ticking, and yet I’m still sitting here, completely indecisive about my choices. Assuming I even have choices left. I can't keep hiding. I need to tell him the truth tonight. I absolutely must.

  *

  When the heavy front door finally clicked open and Daeron walked inside, the doubts in my head violently multiplied. The moment his deep, gentle voice greeted me, a brutal war broke out in my chest. My heart screamed at me to throw away my phone, ghost Jones, and stay safely tucked against Daeron's side forever. But my paranoid mind kept spiraling, fshing terrifying images of Jones blowing up my life and ruining Daeron's entire social circle.

  And then, Daeron looked down at me, completely unaware of the bomb ticking in my chest, and said the words that destroyed me: "I love you, Jessica. I always do."

  I can’t! I can’t do this! Help me, Daeron. Please help me.

  I reached out, my trembling fingers wrapping tightly around his hand. The same hand that had fought street brawls to protect me, yet always touched me like I was made of fragile gss. I lifted his knuckles to my mouth and kissed them, lingering there for a long time, desperately trying to memorize the texture of his skin.

  I have to do this. I have to blow it all up.

  "If I made a mistake... a really bad one... would you hate me?" I whispered. I squeezed my eyes shut, every muscle in my body locking up as I braced for the interrogation.

  "Well, if you're pnning to prank me with that cold dildo right next to my asshole while I'm sleeping again, I’m definitely going to be pissed," he deadpanned.

  The unexpected, casual joke acted like a defibriltor to my freezing heart. Mentioning that ridiculous, chaotic prank reminded me of how effortlessly happy we used to be before I tangled us in this web of lies. A startled, genuine ugh burst out of my chest. No matter how dark my mind got, he always knew exactly how to pull me back into the light.

  "So, if I prank you like that again, you will actually hate me?" I asked, a sad smile tugging at my lips.

  "I’ll be mad! But it doesn't mean I’ll hate you."

  My heart pounded against my ribs. The terrifying, looming 'what-if' question demanded an answer.

  I need to know. I want to know exactly what he will do to me when he finds out I've been sleeping with his best friend.

  I turned my head, forcing myself to look directly into his warm, observant grey eyes. "If you get mad at me... doesn't that automatically mean you hate me?"

  "No," he answered effortlessly, his gaze softening into pure, unadulterated devotion. "Anger is temporary, Jess. You get mad, you yell, you punch a wall, and you eventually get over it. But hate? Hate is permanent. Hate is deep and exhausting. Besides... I don’t think I'm even capable of hating you."

  No. No. No. Please, God, don't say that. How the fuck am I supposed to confess to you now?

  My chest violently constricted, completely cutting off my air supply. Every muscle in my face cramped as hot, stinging tears finally broke over my eyeshes. "Why?" my voice cracked into a pathetic, desperate sob. Why do you love a monster like me?

  His sharp grey eyes looked at me with absolute, devastating sincerity. "I don’t know. You're my Cheeto. I just couldn't ever find a reason to hate you."

  Oh God… I can’t do it. I can't break him. I love him too much. He is too good, too pure, too gentle. What the fuck have I done?

  The confession died in my throat. I completely surrendered, colpsing forward and pnting my wet face against his broad chest. The steady thud of his heartbeat, his radiating body heat, and the sharp, comforting citrus scent of his cologne wrapped around me like a heavy bnket. His unconditional love didn't save me; it only deepened my paralyzing confusion and self-loathing. I was a coward.

  That night, lying in the dark in his bed—our bed—I wrapped my arms around his torso and hugged him with a desperate, crushing grip.

  I had failed. I had completely failed to tell him the truth. I was entirely too scared to watch those beautiful grey eyes fill with betrayal and pain. I knew with absolute certainty that I didn’t deserve his gentleness. I didn’t deserve his loyalty. I didn't deserve him at all.

  But for one st night, while the clock ticked mercilessly toward tomorrow morning, I didn't care. I just wanted to hold him tight, keeping him all to myself before I lost him forever.

  **

  The morning light bled through the tall loft windows, cold and unforgiving. The clock had finally run out. I had made my agonizing decision.

  "Babe, are you absolutely sure you don’t need a lift to campus?" Daeron asked, tossing his textbook into his bag.

  I stood by the kitchen isnd, gripping the marble edge so hard my fingers ached. I forced a subtle, perfectly manufactured smile onto my lips. "No need, Tiger. Be careful driving, okay? You’re going to be te!"

  He zipped his bag and looked up, fshing me that warm, devastatingly gentle smile. "Alright. But hey, if you need anything at all today, just call me, okay? I’ll skip css for you. You know I will."

  I know you will. And that is exactly why I have to leave.

  My self-control completely fractured. I sprinted across the kitchen and threw myself into his arms, hugging him with a desperate, crushing grip. He chuckled softly, completely unaware that this was an execution. His rge hand came up to the back of my neck, gently stroking my hair just the way I loved. I closed my eyes and buried my face deep into his chest, desperately inhaling the sharp, clean scent of his citrus cologne, searing it into my memory. Just for one st time.

  "Bye, Cheeto!" he called out cheerfully as he stepped out into the hallway.

  I raised my trembling hand and waved, a fake, brittle smile glued to my face. "Goodbye, Tiger!"

  Beep-click.

  The heavy metal deadbolt turned, echoing like a gunshot through the quiet loft.

  Farewell, my love.

  The second the door locked, my knees buckled. I dragged myself into the bedroom and began frantically throwing my clothes into my suitcases. As I emptied the drawers and cleared my cosmetics from the bathroom sink, a sickening wave of realization washed over me. I had made such a massive, chaotic mess of his pristine loft over the st few months. Yet, Daeron had never compined once. He was always the one quietly, patiently tidying up the physical and emotional messes I left behind.

  I am a parasite. I absolutely do not deserve him.

  After zipping the final suitcase shut, I walked into the kitchen. My hands moved on autopilot, mixing the batter and turning on the stove. I poured a single circle onto the hot pan, watching the edges crisp. I slid the perfect, golden pancake onto a pte and left it on the marble counter. My final, pathetic parting gift. The ghost of the girl who used to make his breakfasts.

  Then, I walked into the mini-library. I pulled my pin white diary from the shelves. My heart was violently screaming at me, begging me to unpack my bags, sit on the sofa, and wait for him to come home.

  I can't just vanish. I have to leave him a message. He deserves an expnation.

  I carefully tore a bnk page from the back of the book. I sat down at his reading desk, picked up a pen, and stared at the empty paper. My hand was shaking so violently I could barely grip the pstic. I began to write the letter that would officially end my life.

  ‘Daeron, I hate myself for leaving you like this. Please, forgive me.’

  The tears instantly broke over my eyeshes, burning my cheeks. My chest began to throb with a sickening, hollow panic.

  ‘You told me how you felt, over and over, and I stayed silent.’

  The tears fell freely now, raining down in heavy drops and spshing onto the paper, bleeding into the bck ink.

  ‘Not because I didn't feel it, but because I knew this day would come, and I wanted to protect you from it. You deserve so much more than a ghost.’

  I stopped writing. I dropped my head into my trembling hands, a pathetic, ragged sob tearing out of my throat. It hurt. God, it hurt so fucking much it felt like I was physically dying.

  ‘Read this book. It has all my secrets, and every beautiful memory we made together. Let it be the closure you need to finally move on from me.’

  ‘Farewell, Tiger. I love you. I always have. -J’

  I dropped the pen and completely colpsed over the desk. I couldn't hold the dam back anymore. I wailed into the empty room, crying so hard I choked on my own breath. The agonizing pain ripped through my ribs, punishing me for my cowardice.

  With trembling fingers, I folded the tear-stained letter and tucked it carefully into the very first page of my diary. His love for me had been so pure, so terrifyingly unconditional. There was only one word in the entire universe that could describe the sheer, terrifying scale of his love: Infinity. Ad infinitum.

  I slid the white diary securely onto the shelf, blending it in with his other books. A desperate, selfish side of me prayed he would find it immediately and come rescue me. But the other, rational side of me was absolutely terrified of the devastation it would cause when he finally read my ugly, pathetic secrets.

  I wiped my wet, ruined face. I grabbed the heavy handles of my suitcases and dragged them toward the entryway.

  Before I pulled the front door open, I stopped. I turned and looked back through the loft, my eyes locking onto the gss doors of the balcony. Our sanctuary. The only pce in the world where I was ever truly allowed to just be Jessica.

  "Farewell, Daeron," I whispered into the deafening silence of the loft. "I will always love you."

  I walked out the door, and I didn't look back.

  **