Chapter 125 I’m fine – Arianna

  “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Dr. Makimovich.”

  Arianna tried to sound polite, even though she very much did not want to be here. Apologetically, she added, “Cassis insisted.”

  Which was true. He had been hounding her about talking to a therapist ever since she’d woken up yesterday. At first, she had found it kind of cute how worried he was. Then it had slowly started to annoy her. She knew something bad had happened to her. She knew she’d done something terrible. But she also knew she could deal with it on her own. She didn’t need a psychologist.

  Still, she had caved that morning, especially after even Helen had told her to go. Arianna strongly suspected Cassis had put her up to it. But she had only agreed to this one meeting. Once she convinced the doctor that she could handle things herself, Cassis would stop those worried looks and the overly careful way he hovered around her.

  Dr. Makimovich smiled at her. She really should be nice to him. He’d been nothing but kind, giving her an appointment on such short notice and even signing another mana contract to ensure her secrets stayed confidential, so she could speak freely.

  And yet… she felt like a stubborn toddler, forced into doing something she didn’t want to do.

  But she was an adult. She wouldn’t be stubborn. She’d get through this, check it off the list, and then move on to dealing with everything else.

  Dr. Makimovich had been studying her since she’d arrived in his office. It was a little unnerving, like he could see straight through her. Still, Arianna stayed polite. She would convince him she didn’t need his help.

  “I guess I should explain why Cassis insisted I come here,” she said. “But before that, I just want you to know that I’m fine. I’m not at my best right now, but I will be soon. So this is… a bit unnecessary. He just worries.”

  Dr. Makimovich nodded. “I understand. If it makes you more comfortable, you can simply tell me what happened.”

  Arianna smiled.

  That did make her more comfortable.

  “Well, last week I was enslaved using an artifact that can actually control a person,” Arianna said. “It was very scary. And my friend betrayed me. But she was also being threatened into betraying me, so I’m not sure how I feel about her. Mostly I feel sorry for her… but I’m also angry.”

  She looked at Dr. Makimovich. “It’s just a tangle of feelings that I need some time to deal with.”

  The doctor nodded in understanding, so Arianna continued.

  “I was really scared this past week because… the man who had her kidnap me wanted to have children with me. He told me so to my face. And then he started this weird dating game, getting more intimate over time.”

  She quickly clasped her hands together and hid them in her lap. They had started shaking.

  “It was disgusting,” she said quietly. It really had been.

  “But I made a plan to escape with my friend. It almost succeeded, but then…” She swallowed. “My friend was threatened again, and she betrayed me again.”

  Tears sprang to Arianna’s eyes. That betrayal had hurt all over again. Worse than before, because now she understood Faith. In the end, when Arianna herself had been faced with a similar choice, she had—

  She closed her eyes, willing the tears away. When she spoke again, her voice was steadier than she would have thought possible.

  “Then I was faced with a choice. You see, the only way to free myself in that situation was to kill my friend.”

  She looked the doctor straight in the eye, letting him see how serious she was.

  “I could let Cassis die… or I could kill my friend. I chose my partner over my friend.”

  Her grip tightened. “He’s the most important person to me.”

  Contrary to what Arianna had expected, there was no judgment in the doctor’s eyes. He was simply listening, thinking, analyzing, but not condemning her.

  So she voiced the judgment herself.

  “I know this makes me a terrible person. I’ve always tried to be a good person. My dad would be so disappointed in me.” Her voice trembled. “But… Cassis is mine. They can’t take him away from me.”

  Then she said something she hadn’t even dared to tell Cassis.

  “I… I don’t regret killing Faith.”

  She looked down at her hands. They were still covered in Faith’s blood, even though she knew she had washed them many times since waking up. She could still see it. Still feel the wetness. The soft give of flesh against the knife.

  It was true. As terrible as it was, she didn’t regret killing her friend. She regretted that it had been necessary. That there hadn’t been another way.

  But she could never regret saving Cassis.

  Didn’t that make her a bad person?

  Out loud, she said, “Maybe I should rephrase that. I don’t regret saving Cassis. I just hate what I had to do.” She took a breath. “But I’ll deal with it on my own. I’m actually… surprisingly fine, considering everything that happened.”

  Dr. Makimovich gave her that studying look again. But he didn’t challenge her statement. No, he surprised her by agreeing with her.

  “Yes,” he said calmly. “I can see that you are dealing remarkably well with these events, considering everything. Some people would be a sobbing mess, catatonic, or unable to speak about any of this at all. So I want to encourage you to keep being this honest with yourself. That is the best foundation for healing.”

  Arianna gave him a small smile. She had expected him to tell her she was broken, traumatized, or unstable. But he could see it too, she was fine.

  Then he had to go and ruin it.

  “But, Arianna,” he continued gently, “you’re not fine. You’re just very good at dealing with terror and guilt.”

  She stopped herself just in time from snapping at him. She wouldn’t shout at someone who was simply doing his job, just because she didn’t like what he was saying. Even if he was wrong. Or maybe not wrong, exactly… but drawing the wrong conclusions.

  “Arianna,” he said, “right now you are coping with what happened to you. And you are already well on your way to healing. You may be fine in the future. But you may also collapse under the pressure you’re putting on yourself.”

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  She wanted to argue.

  “I won’t just collapse.”

  She hadn’t collapsed when her father had needed her. She hadn’t collapsed when her new family in this world had depended on her. As long as people needed her, she would endure.

  But the doctor didn’t let it go.

  “What if you do?” he asked quietly. “There are so many people depending on you. Can you risk that?”

  A shudder ran through her.

  Could she?

  She had fallen apart once before, back in her old world, when nobody had needed her anymore. But back then, Cassis had pulled her back, because he had needed her.

  She couldn’t imagine a future like that now. People depended on her. They always would.

  Still…

  The doctor’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

  “I think you understand how catastrophic that would be,” he said. “Without you, people wouldn’t just struggle. They would likely die.”

  Arianna nodded. She knew that. Which was exactly why she didn’t have time for psychological games. She had responsibilities. She would take care of her people.

  Dr. Makimovich went on. “Now, I’m not saying you will definitely fall apart. From the way you’re handling this, it’s clear you’re experienced with making hard choices. But I do believe you would benefit from talking to me once a week.”

  She almost protested out loud.

  She didn’t have time for that. The second wave was coming. She still needed to figure out how to heal Samuel enough for him to level. Marcus was still on her list. She had to teach Josh more, and learn with him about pre-system medicine. She needed to raise her mana saturation, train, get stronger. Strong enough that no one could ever enslave her again.

  She simply didn’t have time.

  Politely, she declined. “I don’t think that’s necessary. And I really do have too much to do. You have other patients who need you more than I do.”

  The doctor nodded. “You’re absolutely right. I do have many patients who need me more urgently than you do.” He paused. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t need me.”

  Arianna’s eye twitched. For some reason, she really wanted to snap at him. But she restrained herself.

  He continued, unbothered. “And I understand that you’re busy. But if you don’t take the time now, the wound won’t heal properly, and it may cause serious problems later on.” His gaze was steady. “You are a healer. You know this better than anyone.”

  She stiffened.

  “The only difference between physical and psychological wounds,” he added, “is that you can’t see the latter.”

  Damn logical doctor.

  He had a point. Arianna knew that improperly healed wounds caused complications. Scars that tore open. Infections. Weaknesses that resurfaced at the worst possible time.

  Psychological wounds were no different, just harder to monitor.

  And that realization settled uncomfortably deep in her chest.

  She tried again. “But I really will be fine.”

  The doctor smiled at her calmly. “And for how long have you been fine?” he asked. “Because this sounds like something that’s been going on for quite a while.”

  Arianna glared at him. Of course he had to poke at it.

  Dr. Makimovich remained unruffled. “If you really want to convince me that you’re fine, then tell me about before. Let’s start with your childhood.”

  Arianna rolled her eyes. That was so cliché. As if all her problems, or coping strategies, had to originate in childhood. Still, she obliged. They had forty-five minutes left, and Cassis wouldn’t let her leave early anyway. If indulging the doctor meant he’d eventually tell Cassis she was fine on her own, then so be it.

  “Well,” she began, “my parents were both orphans. They met at the orphanage, grew up together, and were never adopted. When they became adults, they left together. Not long after, they got married, and then I was born.”

  She hesitated for just a moment.

  “Unfortunately, my mom died giving birth to me. So it was always just my dad and me. But Dad was great. He took good care of me, told me a lot about Mom, and was always there.”

  She realized she was smiling. Her father really had been the best dad she could imagine. And since he had loved her mother so deeply, that had to mean she had been wonderful too. Arianna had never met her, but she knew it in her bones.

  “When I was seventeen,” she continued, “my father was diagnosed with cancer.”

  Her hands clenched. She could still remember the doctor delivering the diagnosis.

  “He fought it for years,” she said quietly. “But in the end, he lost.”

  She didn’t cry. She had made her peace with that loss long ago.

  “Strangely enough,” she added, “shortly after his diagnosis, I found this necklace.” She lifted the sapphire pendant. “It allowed me to connect with Cassis in my dreams. Even after my father died, I helped Cassis survive in the other timeline. That went on for ten years.”

  She swallowed.

  “Then I had an accident. Cassis says I suddenly stopped responding, but for me… something else happened. I was almost hit by a car, and instead, I was transported here, to the first day of the apocalypse. The rest you already know from Cassis.”

  The doctor nodded, then studied her thoughtfully. “You said you didn’t have any other family. So it was just you and your father. Was there anyone you could depend on while he was sick, or after he passed?” He paused. “Cassis doesn’t count. I already know you didn’t talk to him about your problems.”

  Arianna sighed. Of course he knew.

  “Yes,” she admitted. “There was someone. My ex-boyfriend, Brian. We knew each other from school. He stayed by my side during that time.”

  “Then why is he an ex?” the doctor asked gently. “Someone like that would usually remain.”

  She sighed again. He really did know where to poke.

  “Because after my dad died, I fell into a depression,” she said. “Brian stayed with me even then, but…” She looked away, shame creeping in. “I never really loved him like that.”

  She took a breath.

  “I’d had a crush on Cassis when I was younger. Later, it wasn’t love like it is now, but I needed him, because he needed me. Being with Brian felt like I was cheating on both of them. And it wasn’t fair to Brian. I wasn’t in a good place. I only loved him as a friend.”

  She met the doctor’s eyes again. “So I broke up with him.”

  Then she smiled softly. “Just before I came here, he told me he’d found a new girlfriend. He was happy. That was all I ever wanted for him.”

  The doctor nodded. “So if you didn’t love him, why did you get together with him in the first place?”

  Arianna rolled her eyes. “He asked me out. He took care of me. And…” She hesitated. “My dad was relieved when he saw how Brian felt about me. He encouraged me to give him a chance.”

  The doctor smiled, like he’d known that all along. “Yes. That fits.”

  Fits what?

  Arianna shifted uncomfortably. “So,” she asked pointedly, “do you believe me now? That I’ll be fine?”

  To her surprise, Dr. Makimovich shook his head. “Now I’m even more convinced that you’ll have a breakdown soon.”

  “What?” Her eyes widened. “Why?”

  He looked at her calmly. “Because you’ve been surviving for over ten years. You’ve lived in coping mode, giving everyone around you what they needed, while never taking time for yourself.”

  He folded his hands.

  “That,” he said evenly, “is a recipe for disaster.”

  Arianna strongly disagreed. “I don’t need time for myself. Being in this world, I feel so alive. I’ve never really felt like this before. I love training and learning about mana—and as a bonus, I can help more people. So I don’t think you’re right about me.”

  The doctor smiled at her indulgently. “It’s wonderful that you’ve found happiness here. That’s an important first step. But not everything you do has to serve a purpose.”

  He leaned back slightly. “Tell me, when was the last time you did something purely because you enjoyed it, without any benefit attached? And I don’t mean playing a short game on your phone or watching a film. Those are like putting a bandage on a gushing wound. I mean a real hobby. Something time-consuming. Something that benefits no one, not even you, except for the joy of doing it.”

  Arianna frowned and searched her memory. She had to have something like that. Surely. When was the last time?

  Nothing came.

  What hobbies had she even had?

  She waited for the answer to surface, but it didn’t. Her chest tightened. It couldn’t be that he was right.

  After a moment, Dr. Makimovich spoke again, gently. “What about when you were a child? What did you enjoy then?”

  She scrambled through her memories until something finally emerged, something warm, something that had once made her genuinely happy.

  “I used to sing,” she said slowly. “And write my own songs.”

  It was true. Like any overly dramatic middle schooler, she’d thought she carried the weight of the world. She’d written songs about it, pouring all her feelings into lyrics. Thinking about it now was a little embarrassing, but it had made her happy.

  It had been incredibly time-consuming. Sometimes she’d spend hours searching for the right phrase to express a single emotion. Other times a melody would come first, and the words would follow. Inspiration had never cared about order.

  “My dad taught me how to sing,” she added quietly. “He said my mom loved it. And I loved it too.”

  “Then why did you stop?” the doctor asked.

  Arianna shrugged. “I grew up. There wasn’t enough time anymore.”

  “Then why not make time now?” he asked. “A hobby that’s just for you could help you far more than you imagine.”

  She was sceptical. How could singing help her? She’d much rather train, grow stronger, and protect the people around her.

  Dr. Makimovich seemed to read her thoughts. “If you agree to this small request,” he said, “I’ll tell Cassis that you’ll be fine. We’ll meet again next week to see your progress. If you actually do as I ask, I promise the following session will be much later.”

  He tilted his head. “What do you say?”

  Arianna knew he was manipulating her.

  Then she thought of Cassis, of the dark circles under his eyes, of how worried he looked now. And… she had loved singing once. Maybe she still did.

  It wasn’t the worst idea.

  She could spare a little time. Report back next week. And with some luck, she wouldn’t be forced into regular sessions.

  Arianna nodded.

  “It’s a deal.”