My imaginary therapist is incredibly unprofessional.

  She spent the first twenty minutes of our session looking up how to be a therapist and now she is just sitting there without saying anything, judging my every move. Not to mention that there are very credible rumors that say she is dating one of her patients. I can only hope that those rumors are talking about me, because it would have been a real cruel move on her part to whisper it to me like that otherwise.

  “And how does that make you feel?”

  A bit lost, because neither of us said anything in the past few minutes. She can’t possibly know what I was thinking.

  “I-i didn’t say anything.”

  “And how does that make you feel?”

  Seems like I gave the wrong answer, and it was only the first question too. How many lives do I even have in therapy? I don’t see anything like a heart icon or a picture of my face with a number next to it. I have to be careful, there's no telling how many more wrong answers I can give before she will send me to an imaginary asylum. I think I’ll go with confused this time, maybe even befuddled, since that is a fun word.

  “B-b-befuddled.”

  “And why do you feel like that?”

  Oh, so that's where the ‘I didn’t say anything’ answer comes in. I think I’m starting to get the hang of this game.

  “B-because I didn’t say anything.”

  “And how does that make me feel?”

  Well that’s a tough one Ami. My best guess is disappointed but it could also be hurt or just bored. It might even be hungry, since we don’t have any imaginary food lying around, but that one is less likely. Can I call a friend for help? Ahh, that won’t work, my only friend doesn’t have a phone and is the one asking the question, that has to be against the rules. I’ll just have to guess.

  “H-h-hungry.”

  “Mai, You just sat there, staring at the wall for ten minutes without saying anything. Obviously the answer was bored, show some empathy.”

  I’m sorry, I was sure it was a trick question. I’ll do better, I promise.

  “S-sorry.”

  “The point of this is to help you open up a little, and that won’t work if you don’t even try to talk. Take this seriously.”

  What exactly am I supposed to talk about? I have no idea what I should say in this situation.

  “W-what should I-i talk about?”

  “I don’t know. You weren’t exactly paying attention earlier so my research time wasn’t as productive as I would have liked, but from what I managed to gather this whole thing is about cooperation between the therapist and the patient. So cooperate Mai, do it.”

  I still have no idea what I should be doing. Maybe we should go back to the research phase, and I’ll actually read whatever the article says this time. That should count as cooperating.

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  “M-more research?”

  “No, that was boring. Just tell me about yourself.”

  She picked a pretty boring topic anyway, but I’ll play along. What can I say about myself? My name is Mai, I’m dating a slightly imaginary narcissist, and I’m absolutely terrible in social situations. It’s a surprisingly sparse topic, I better save some of those for her follow up questions.

  “M-m-my name i-is M-mai.”

  “I’ll try to remember that.”

  She never laughs at my jokes. It would have killed my confidence in my sense of humor if I had any to begin with. Luckily I don’t, so you do you honey.

  “T-thanks.”

  “Don’t mention it, It’s the least I can do for my girlfriend. But Mai, it wasn’t exactly what I meant when I asked you to tell me about yourself.”

  I know, but I was hoping to get out of it on a technicality. I’m going to need more directions if she wants anything else though.

  “W-what did you mean?”

  “Hmm, tell me about a happy memory you have.”

  That’s a hard one, which memory should I choose. There was the time me and her played…

  “Ah, a memory from before we met. Obviously.”

  Come on Ami, it could have been so funny.. Oh well, she wouldn’t have laughed anyway and at least it made the choice much easier. Actually it made it unnecessary, since I don’t have any of those.

  “I-i don’t h-have a-any.”

  “Mai, you promised you would go along with this. Stop trying to avoid saying anything.”

  I understand where she gets that idea, but it’s not just the saddest excuse in the world. I really don’t have any happy memories from before I met her.

  “I-i r-really d-don’t.”

  “Come on, Mai, there has to be some happy memories from your childhood.”

  Well, there aren’t any. Whenever I think back and try to remember anything, only the bad stuff comes up. Memories I would much rather forget can suddenly pop up for no reason and ruin my day. But the happy memories, if they ever existed, I can’t find them at all. I really don’t want to think about this anymore.

  “C-can we s-stop?”

  “No. The only thing I learned about you so far is that your name is Mai, and I’m pretty sure I already knew that.”

  Even if we keep going, she isn’t going to learn anything new about me. All this is going to accomplish is making me miserable, so please can we just stop?

  “P-please.”

  “Why?! At least tell me why you want to stop?”

  Because I hate it. Remembering the past, looking back at who I was, who I still am. It makes me feel helpless and miserable. It makes me hate myself. Or maybe it just doesn’t allow me to avoid feeling that, even if I want to. It reminds me that no matter how much I try, I can’t change. No matter how much I want to be, I can’t be normal. Why do I have to feel like this? How can this possibly be helpful?

  “I-i-i-it w-w-won’t h-help.”

  “But why do you think that? Mai… Take all the time you need, you can write it down if it’s easier, just tell me what’s actually going through your head. Just… Let me get to know you better. I don’t know if it will help, maybe you are right and it won’t, but at the very least I’ll understand you a bit better. Can you do that for me? Is that enough for you to try?”

  I… Don’t know how to do that. I’ve never been able to before, the closest I ever got was when I told her how I felt about her, and I don’t think I managed to properly let out what I thought back then.

  “I…”

  I don’t know how to start, I can’t remember what my reasons were. It felt like it all made sense in my head just a moment ago and now that I need to let it out, it feels chaotic, like pieces of it are missing. How am I supposed to do this? What am I supposed to say? I can’t find the words.

  “I-i.. h-hate this.”

  “Why?”

  “I-i c-can’t do a-anything.”

  “You can do a lot more than what you think you can.”

  I can’t. I’m well aware of my limits because I tried and failed so many times. I am already all that I can ever be. I will always be stuck here like this, unable to move forward and pretending that it doesn’t bother me. Why is it so hard for me to be like everyone else? Why can’t I just be normal?

  “I-i c-c-can’t b-be n-n-normal.”

  I really wish I could be normal. I just wanted to be normal.