It was my first winter as the wolf handler, at the tender age of six, and that made me nervous. I had taken the post due to the last sitter quitting mid fall of fear of being eaten like the previous ones. That was the danger of the job, being eaten when there wasn’t enough food to go around. The wolves would turn to the easiest source of nutrition, their handler, for sustenance. In any other society this wouldn’t be tolerated, the wolves would have been put down and new more obedient puppies would replace them but not in a goblin society. As far as the other goblins were concerned as long as the wolves still rode under the hunters everything was fine, that was the line.

  I came to the job after the previous handler recommended me, his exact words were “get that creepy mutant to get out her and die for all I care,” I know that because they conveyed it to me when the hunters practically dragged me out of the cave and throw me into the pen. At first I was scared, those were beasts that barely passed me in height, with their wild side still very present. I tried to score some points and maybe win their trust with some games but their massive bodies compared to my small frame meant they played rough no matter how easy they went on me.

  Thankfully another perk of the job, besides being the first to be feed, was that I could make requests at the craftsmen and they had, begrudgingly, to accept them so I requested for toys and other enrichment to keep the wolves busy and from hurting me. Before I knew it they weren’t wolves to me but large dogs that were a bit more dangerous than normal and then those feelings grew into deep affection for the wolves. They weren’t treating me like a pariah, a blight that you shouldn’t speak of lest its inflicted on you, they were creatures full of love and affection. What I wanted was to answer this love and affection they showed me.

  But at the same time I feared for when this affection and love would turn into gazes filled with hunger. At the end of the day I wasn’t one of the pack, no matter how hard I tried I would never be and the survival of the pack came before anything else, before any friendships and such. It was only a matter of time before it was my turn to become the wolves meal, if it wasn’t this winter it would be the next or the one after that, it was inevitable, a matter of bad circumstances and luck.

  That winter came with hunger as I feared, it was a never seen before streak of our hunters coming back empty handed. I could see the hunger slowly building up in the wolves eyes who besides going out to hunt did nothing but sit around. I knew what they felt, I was also going hungry alongside them and I knew that it was a matter of time before the inevitable happened. Still I went to the pen each and every day, it was still a better place to be than inside despite the cold and imminent death.

  That day the hunters had returned empty handed once more. After they disembarked and left them in my care, Audo the oldest of the pack started barking at the rest of them for some reason before looking at me. In that moment I understood that it was about food and me but I missed the details due to the violence in his barks. They were going to eat me, he was riling up the rest of them to attack me. I should have run but a mixture of thoughts and feelings was keeping me in place. Fear was one of them sure but at the same time so much more, an expectation for what was to came, hope for a better life in the next one and love for my babies that I cared for those past few months.

  I wondered if this was what a mother centipede felt like when she sacrificed herself to ensure the survival of her offsprings in an act of matriphagy. I stood rooted in place, eyes closed, as the barking stopped but alas nothing happened to me, not a single step was taken towards myself. As I opened my eyes I saw all the wolves surround Audo while he sat down his eyes closed. Sadness and regret in their eyes but also determination for what was to come, for the sin that we carried.

  I saw it all happen before my eyes, I still remember it like it was yesterday. The adults all swarmed Audo and started ripping him apart, eating him alive as he whelped in pain. Those whelps was his only protest as he allowed himself to be killed and eaten by the rest of his pack. Once he was dead the rest of the wolves, they youngsters approached his body reluctantly and started eating themselves. Hildegund, a wolf as old as Audo approached me gently, holding something in her mouth. She left it at my feet, it was a piece of Audo before going back to bring me more.

  Up to this point I was too shocked to react in any way so I simply stood there frozen like a statue. But upon Hildegund leaving that piece of meat on the snow I collapsed to my knees as it dawned on me. Audo wasn’t edging the other wolves in eating me, he was edging them to eat him in order to ensure mine and the packs survival, it wasn’t an act of matriphagy it wasn’t about me, it was an act of patriphagy. Tears started streaming down my face falling into the white snow as I repeatedly asked why over and over again.

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  Hildegund came over with another piece of meat for me and seeing that I hadn’t even touched the first one nudged me gently with her snout while whimpering. I understood her clearly, she was telling me to eat, to not let his sacrifice go to waste, to partake of their sin. Delirious and with tears still streaming down my face I picked up one of the pieces she had brought me and put it in my mouth. It tasted awful, tough and full of fibers like predator meat should taste and also bitter like never before, was this bitterness because I was eating one of my own, one of my family? Were the wolves tasting the same bitterness as they were forcing themselves to eat their mate, father and grandfather?

  The clean up was left to me I took care of the remains, the parts the wolves wouldn’t eat like I would do for their every meal and went on with the rest of my duties. The next day the goblins hunters didn’t even noticed that there was one less wolf in the pen, they didn’t care. That same day they returned, as an act of divine comedy, they returned home with rich game. From what I overheard a herd of deer had moved close to the nest and we could get through winter on them alone. With them plus the human hunters that went after this herd we passed that winter with no one going hungry anymore.

  To think that all it took was one day, one more day of enduring the hunger and Audo would still be among us. Thinking about it isn’t it to laugh, to cry laughing, to scream at the absurdity of the situation. I woke up drenched in sweat, still tired, how could one recharge after reliving their nightmares but why, why after all this time I had returned back to them, why was I seeing this dream in particular, was there a message somewhere in there that I missed or was I having too much fun lately that I had to be grounded down.

  As I was contemplating a deeper meaning of my dream Sorbet woke up. Before he was able to get away and go for his daily hunt I stopped him, if anything that dream woke me up to the fact that I have been neglecting my boy lately, only using him as a source of food. Hunting could wait, today I wanted to spend the entire day with him, playing. I quickly fashioned a toy for him out of rope and we started playing tag of war as well as fetch. We had fun and Sorbet was running around like a puppy, it was super cute.

  Finding two twigs that were two long and thin for the campfire we started pretend sword fighting, he held quite well on his own due to the flurry of attacks he could deliver by swinging his head left and right. Madeleine stayed out of this not wanting to take part in our activities, he was too snobbish a snake to break a sweat for us. After I collapsed, exhausted, to the ground Sorbet finally saw his opportunity to slip away and go do some hunting. I shouted at him to come back and that he can go hunting tomorrow but he wouldn’t listen. I heard his footsteps getting further and further away until they stopped completely.

  That was weird, at firth I thought that Sorbet had changed his mind but he wasn’t one to do that. I raised my head only to see him gazing at the distance, following his eyes I saw an aura moving in the distance. Madeleine joined me hissing worryingly, not even the birds in the trees sung anymore, something was royally wrong. I got up to my feet to get a better vantage at the aura, it was moving fast, that was for sure, straight for us. Sorbet run back to me getting between myself and the aura, growling angrily.

  I finally moved my legs arming myself with the bone spear and the makeshift shield. By the time I was ready the owner of the aura had became more discernible, it was a bear, so massive that I felt the earth tremble beneath my feet with each stomp of its paws. I supposed this was it then, it had found us, this place was also part of its territory. Outrunning it wasn’t an option, not for me at least, the way that beast was going there was no way to outrun it. Sorbet might have a chance, especially if I fought it right here and now.

  “Run away, go, I’ll hold it back!” I shouted at my wolf who only turned to look at me for a second before turning back to the bear, ready to intercept it, his choice was made clear, he was going to fight alongside me. “Madeleine go hide somewhere, at least you should stay safe.” But my snake had other plans as it slithered towards me climbing up my body and coiling around my neck. I suppose we all either live or die together. I joined Sorbet at we prepared to greet the bear.

  Then an idea formed in my head, what if I tamed the bear, turning it into one of my minions? Then we would have free reign of this territory and a powerful bear at my side in case anything happens. “Sorbet, here’s the plan, keep it distracted while I get around to its blind spot. Don’t try to attack, keep your distance.” Despite whimpering in fear my good boy agreed to my request, and so the two of us jumped forward ready to engage the bear. I couldn’t hide it, I was somewhat excited to turn this misfortune into an opportunity.