6 – First Conflict

  I awoke in the snow, huddled near a tree. The low winter sun was up, and I couldn’t recall falling asleep. Knowing I had places to be, I jolted up and prepared to run down the mountain. I didn’t know the time, but my mind told me I was late for something—hunting, meeting—anything.

  I was about to head back to the village, but a dark object in the distance caught my eye. There was a lumbering, black entity moving down the mountainside like a rushing river. My heart leapt—was it the monster again? I watched for a few seconds. It sparkled and moved in the sunlight.

  I leapt forward, pouncing on top of a rock to get a better view. Focusing my sight on the valley, I managed to get a clear look—to see that the mass was an entire human army. Though small, I believed, they looked formidable enough. Many of the armor-clad men marched on foot, but I also noticed three giant moving machines with what appeared to be… iron logs on top? I observed attentively, staying low on the frosty rock.

  The convoy suddenly stopped, so I scooted over to see why. There was a wall of collapsed rocks in their way. I watched as the soldiers in front made hand gestures, and then got behind the forward carrier. A moment later, the machine fired off a loud, bright blast that echoed across the valley.

  The wall of rocks was gone, obliterated. Without any hesitation, the mass began moving again. We had built that wall months ago after a week of work—and it did nothing but stall the enemy for less than a minute.

  I knew I had to warn the village immediately. The elders said we had a week, but it was happening right now—our enemy was descending upon us, and we weren’t prepared. I didn’t question how we could be so misinformed. I only took action, rushing down the mountain, jumping over stumps and rocks, moving as fast as my legs allowed. Another blast flared out behind me. I had no time—the village could already be under attack.

  I was so focused on getting down to the foothills that I misjudged a step and found myself slipping down a steep ice bank. I crashed into a heap of snow at the bottom of the mountain, dazed and confused. When I raised my head out of the snowdrift, I noticed the two soldiers standing right in front of me, their weapons pointed and ready to fire.

  “Get up, you!” the one on the right shouted, his voice muffled through his helmet.

  This was the closest I had ever been to them. Their dark armor, covered only minimally with colored patterns, looked impenetrable. They kept their heads, their identities, encased in domed helmets with small visors. They looked different from when I had seen them before from afar; they were perhaps even more frightening.

  “I said get up! Now!” the soldier repeated and kicked my chest.

  Painfully, I pushed myself upwards. Without them noticing, I patted my side pocket. My pike was still there. I glanced around. As far as I could tell, the two were alone—but I didn’t know who or what else might be approaching. I had to act, or I was going to end up like my brother. But unlike him, I wasn’t a fighter; what chance did I have?

  “Put your hands behind your head and turn around!”

  “Please… don’t kill me…” I said quietly.

  “Shut up and turn around!”

  I complied, my body stiff with fright. A brief pause followed. Then I heard another voice.

  “So this is a felile?”

  “Yeah, must be a scout.”

  “Sure are weird creatures. And here I thought those training programs were just exaggerating…”

  “Don’t let your guard down. They’re all savage, mindless beasts.”

  My muscles tensed up and rage began to replace my fear. They should be using such words to describe themselves.

  “What are we going to do?”

  “I’ll call this in. Not even a recon should be this far out.”

  I took a deep breath, the exhaled air freezing and dissipating. A fizzling sound followed from behind me.

  “Sergeant Bapst? About how far are you from the village valley entrance? About half a klick? All right, this is reconnaissance group Charlie out here on the ridge. We’ve got a felile out here, no visible weapons, what do you want us to do with him? … Understood. Over.”

  I noticed a reflection in the ice of the two soldiers. They stood side by side, less than a meter apart.

  “So?”

  “Bapst’s orders… All right, felile, get on your knees and don’t turn around. I’ll make this quick.”

  I did as I was told, all the while trying to keep an understanding of my position relative to theirs. My very existence illegal, I had a good feeling of what they were going to do next.

  “And make sure the safety is off this time, idiot.”

  I watched through the ice reflection as they both took out small cartridges and inserted them in their weapons. I closed my eyes. This was it—I had to do something, as no one was here to help me this time.

  I knew I had a chance if I gave myself one. I began to make judgments. Every beast has flaws and makes a dozen mistakes a minute. It should be nearly the same for them. I had to utilize their own faults.

  Standing side by side—that was theirs. It was all I had to exploit.

  The soldiers readied their weapons with a click. This was it.

  When that click came, I reached for my pike as fast as I could, taking the soldiers off guard. I whipped around and dove through the opening between the two. Before they could adjust their aim, I placed my pike in between them, and pressed the button immediately.

  What followed was the sound and smell of pierced, smoldering metal, burning blood, and two muffled groans. Either side of the pike had gone through each of the soldiers’ armor without hesitation. I returned the hot spears to the holster, and my victims fell to the ground.

  It all happened so quickly, that I was in even more shock than when they had captured me. I stood up, not sure what to make of what I had just done. There they were, slain, lifeless in the snow. I had never killed anything other than a small animal… This felt so vastly different. But there was no time to ponder. I took off for the village.

  I stormed past the entrance gate, taking the two guards by surprise, and quickly headed down the hill to the elders’ chamber.

  Before the two were out of earshot, I turned around and yelled, “The human soldiers are coming! Warn everyone!”

  I tore through the busy village, past the festival grounds, flew over the moat’s bridge, and pushed the elevator button several times. It was incredibly aggravating having to be looked over by the camera again.

  But they must’ve seen my desperation, as they let me down quickly. The elders sat in their chairs, talking with Jeg, Furnlo, and the humans.

  “Veli!” Jeg shouted. “Where were you?”

  I was out of breath and couldn’t even offer a reply.

  “Veli, are you all right?” Tyu asked me.

  “No, sir. We have a big problem,” I gasped. “An army… is here. The soldiers, I saw them… in the valley.”

  “Are you sure, child?”

  “Yes, yes sir, I had to kill… two of them. They have weapons—large, powerful weapons. Machines. Destroyed the wall in seconds… W-we can’t stay… It’s true… believe me…”

  “All right, Veli, I do. Everyone, this has come at short notice, but we know what to do. Raise the alarms. Furnlo, gather up all of the hunters. I want them all, and you, too, Veli, to hold them back as much as you can. Don’t act aggressively; only hide in the hills and distract them. We can’t counter these people head on. We have three large transports that can get the whole village to safety, but it will take time for everyone to board. Go! Now!” Tyu seemed filled with a burst of protective, paternal energy.

  “Sir,” Martin said and stepped up. “Vincent, Ruby, Rupert, and I will go assist them. We’re in debt to you.”

  “Thank you, Martin…” an elder replied.

  “Jess, Pelter, Sasha—you help them get those transports out and running. Be efficient, we won’t have much time.”

  Jess grabbed Pelter and hurried to the elevator, Sasha hesitating for a moment before following. They went up first, and after the lift returned, Furnlo, Jeg, and the others accompanied me back to the surface.

  “Chief, where are these transports?” Vince asked on the way up.

  “They’re under our factory,” Furnlo replied. “They’re big, human-made machines that we’ve used to move the village before. Damn. I can’t believe that they’re here already. We underestimated their efforts…”

  “Everyone makes mistakes.”

  “Yes, but this is a painful one… an entire week ahead of schedule.”

  “Do the three humans know what to do?” I wondered.

  “Yes, we were actually just discussing evacuation procedure.”

  Back on the surface, I heard a strange buzzing noise resonating from all around the village.

  “What is that?” I asked.

  “Warning alarms. We’ve never had to use them before.”

  “Chief, what about the factory? Isn’t it in danger?” Jeg questioned.

  “Only if they’re attacking from more than one side. In any case, we have to go to the front lines first. We can hide among the rocks. Hopefully we’ll get in a good ambush and slow their progress. Everyone can—and will get out of here safely, including your parents. That’s a promise.”

  “Furnlo… I… I actually killed…”

  “I understand, Veli. You did what you had to.”

  We continued towards the entrance, saying nothing further. At the gate, a group of guards were prepared to fight if they needed to while the other villagers scurried about, a small selection of hunters trying to wrangle and guide them to the factory where the transports awaited.

  Near the entrance, I felt a tug on my robe. I looked to my right to see Len-sie, the small, quiet mother of Kesha, a look of worry in her eyes.

  “Len-sie, you should go with everyone else.”

  “I know, I will, but Kesha is missing, Veli!” she cried.

  “Okay, stay calm… When did you last see her?”

  “Just an hour ago… and then the alarms started when I was preparing lunch, and… Oh, I don’t know what to do! My baby is out there somewhere! What if the soldiers… what if they…”

  “I’ll… I’ll find her,” I choked. “Go with the others. I’ll find her.”

  “Yes, thank you, Veli. Thank you so much.”

  She backed away slowly at first, and then darted off towards the factory as the alarms grew louder still.

  “Let’s split up here,” Furnlo commanded as we neared the steep valley entrance with short cliffs on either side. “Jeg, Ruby, Rupert, you three take that side, the four of us will take this one. Use your spinels, even if it only stuns them. But stay in the rocks—don’t engage in direct combat!”

  “Sir, we still have a few rifles with us, enough to lend to a few other felile,” Rupert said. “I’ve been working on something special myself that might be of some use, as well.”

  “We’ll make good use of them. We have a few sharpshooters.”

  “Here, Vince, Martin. Take these,” Ruby said and handed out a pair of weapons similar to what the soldiers used.

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  Vince looked as if he barely had a grip on the thing at first, but managed to hold it with confidence as we traversed up the hills, where we waited for more hunters to accompany us.

  When we first caught sight of the incoming convoy, we hid ourselves in the rocks and held our weaponry steady. Vince and Martin kept themselves prone, peering through a scope on their rifles. We did the same, ready to fire off our paltry spinel discs at the enemy.

  “We’ll never take out the tanks. Hope you have a plan,” Vince said.

  “We’ve got a rock slide crew ahead that will seal off the valley—it should provide more evacuation time.”

  “Don’t count on it,” I said, reflecting on what happened earlier.

  A heavy sound of running engines grew nearer. The two forward tanks I had seen before were coming ahead of the rest. They slowly turned the corner of the ridge area and proceeded through the valley, where they were closely flanked by a number of infantry.

  “Hold your fire until the tanks are disabled,” Martin whispered.

  I then noticed that behind us were two new groups of hunters that Furnlo had given the rifles to. They had arrived without a sound.

  The tanks crawled onward, none of us quite sure when the alleged rockslide would commence, or if it would at all. I waited patiently, readying myself to strike when the time came.

  Then something caught my eye. There was a moving, bright blue person below, a few hundred meters from the tanks, though the hill kept them out of their sight for the moment. I focused, trying to identify them. When they started to skip around in the snow, my worst fears came to light.

  “Furnlo! Kesha is down there!” I said, just above a whisper.

  Furnlo looked over, but other than his eyes growing just slightly, he had no reaction. He looked as if he were about to say something, but never did. I had to act, even if at the risk of the enemy spotting me. I got down on all fours and pounced over the rocks, downward toward Kesha.

  “Veli! Get back here!” I could hear Furnlo say just below a shout.

  I stopped on a ledge right above her, busy playing in the snow. She was completely oblivious to the danger.

  “Kesha!” I yelled.

  She looked up, smiled, waved, and called out, “Veli!”

  “Come here, quickly!”

  “Why?” she asked, her hands full of flowers. “What’s going on?”

  Then I saw it—one of the tanks had rounded the hill, where it stopped with a sound of screeching air. Time felt as if it had frozen as the war machine and I seemingly stared directly at one another.

  They would never fire upon a child… They couldn’t…

  But my personal reassurance was gone once I saw it take aim directly at Kesha, who had noticed the massive weapon and dropped her flowers. She stood in fright, wide-eyed.

  “Run towards me!”

  Instead, she took off in the opposite direction, towards the other cliff side and out of the tank’s view. A second later, a blast of air hit my face and deafened me. The snow where Kesha had just been exploded, creating a blanket of white that I couldn’t see through. My heart jumped. I couldn’t believe that these monsters would fire such a thing at an unarmed child.

  She was all right—I could see her once the ice settled, coughing but uninjured as smoke billowed from the fresh crater. The tank could fire again at any moment. I had to get her out of the valley, now a death trap.

  I leapt down, recovered, and sprinted toward her. The only thing visibly affected were her robes, now partially burnt and shredded. I picked up the dazed child and carried her on my back, where she moaned weakly.

  “Veli… I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, you’ll be all right.”

  A pair of female hunters leaned over from the top of a boulder and grasped out with their hands. I took Kesha, and with all of my strength, hoisted her up to them. They yanked her upwards and then leaned over again, in an attempt to get me back up. But the tank fired before they could.

  This time it hit the cliff and shook it violently. Several icicles dropped from the ledges, some scraping me. After the hunters regained their balance, they managed to pull me to safety. Kesha was resting in the snow, being looked over by the group’s leader, Almsy.

  “She’ll be fine, Veli. You’d better get back to your group,” she said.

  “Right. Thank you.”

  With the enemy opening fire first, our side returned it, despite the rocks being nowhere in sight. Staying low, I hastily went back to my group.

  “Veli, you okay?” Vince asked.

  “Yeah… I got Kesha out of the valley.”

  “I saw. Good job, Veli,” Furnlo replied, and then took some shots at the enemy troops with his rifle as they took up combat positions.

  The tanks seemed to be more focused on getting to the village entrance than staying and fighting, while the infantry behind them fired wildly into the cliffs, trying to hit individual hunters.

  When the gunfire stopped for a moment, I emerged from the rocks and fired a few spinel rounds into the group, but to no apparent effect. I noticed Rupert using a peculiar sidearm that emitted a twirling stream of energy in small waves, each shot knocking out whomever it hit instantly.

  “Fall back!” Furnlo suddenly ordered.

  The hunters on the other ridge retreated into the surrounding forest, while we proceeded back in the direction of the village. I’ve had some intense hunts with the larger game in this valley, but it was nothing like this. We were ill-equipped against such a force, but we knew what to do through our survival training and were performing as expected.

  We took a new position and continued our assault on the invaders. The tanks were dangerously close to the village—where was the rockslide we had been promised?

  At seemingly the last moment, I saw two groups of hunters on either side of the valley entrance stand up and cut ropes with their pikes before pushing a mound of large boulders down on the tanks. The boulders landed on top of and crushed the machines, and they promptly exploded into fireballs. The destroyed weaponry added more debris to the wall that now blocked the village. The infantry below began to break file and fire sporadically, and it seemed like the perfect time to cut them all down.

  “Ignore them, we need to go. It will only be a waste of time trying to get them all,” Furnlo yelled.

  Begrudgingly, the groups snuck back towards the village, avoiding the rampant shots from below. But as we were going past the rockslide, the air filled with a loud, deep, booming sound that stuttered continuously, even more so than the recently destroyed machines had before.

  Everyone—every last hunter on each side—paused and looked back at the edge of the valley. The soldiers below clearly knew what was coming and retreated, away from the mound of rocks.

  The machine making the sound didn’t turn around the corner—instead, it climbed over the steep hills above it, rolling over trees and rocks as it headed into the basin like some unstoppable, massive beast.

  It had no visible weapons, but possessed some sort of large, glowing block of trapped energy on the back of its lumbering metal hull. It dwarfed the smaller tanks, and made the soldiers seem like nothing more than insects in comparison. It suddenly stopped in an open area, its huge structure rattling as it belched a puff of smoke.

  After a moment of quietness, it began to take shape. Two side doors opened, out of which came large, mechanical arms that dug into the dirt. The top of the hull folded outward and down again as a monstrous cannon emerged from within the body. The weapon alone was about twice the length of the other tanks. After it took precise aim at the rock wall, a decorated soldier with a short cape climbed up through the top hatch.

  “I am Sergeant Bapst,” a voice came from a speaker system. “I am here to declare the death penalty upon all of the beasts who live here. By resisting, you have only secured this fate. The other establishments in this area have already fallen, and I will be pleased to add yours to our count.”

  He quickly descended back into the vehicle before anyone might’ve taken a shot at him. Then there were the sounds of machinery firing up.

  “Get down!” Martin yelled as loudly as possible.

  I dropped and took cover behind a rock. I heard something power up, followed by ear-splitting thunder. There was a flash and an enormous explosion of rubble and debris that rained down all around us. Nearby trees caught on fire, and I couldn’t hear a thing due to the intensity of the attack.

  The wall of rock and destroyed tanks had been completely demolished, and the soldiers were already storming towards the village while the giant assault vehicle folded up, preparing to roll on ahead.

  The only thing we could do now was get there before they did. Everyone sprinted off in the same direction as the enemy, quickly reaching the village to find it completely empty—not even a guard was stationed at the gate. Kesha, scared and shaken, ran up to me with Almsy behind her. I grabbed her hand, and the two of us continued to the festival grounds, where the rest of the hunters were gathering.

  “What was that!?” I yelled at Martin as my hearing recovered.

  “A rail-cannon tank, command center variant. I’ve no idea why they would bring something like it way out here.”

  Ruby sighed. “They divert such weapons just to kill your people…”

  “I’ve studied them,” Rupert added. “They can penetrate anything. Straight through six meters of concrete at full strength. Hell, they can tear apart mountains… What you saw was just a minimally powered shot.”

  “It would still be enough to destroy this place in minutes,” Vince commented. “Any idea where the transports are waiting?”

  On cue, a large vehicle came roaring through the village, running over a few of the smaller houses and stopping at the meeting grounds. A bulky machine, it ran on treads, was covered in peeling red and white paint, and its driver’s area was so small, it only had a single little window. The side doors were opened, and Tyu waved the dozens of hunters inside.

  We piled into the dimly lit and rusted craft, and I made sure Kesha was among the first inside. After checking around, Furnlo jumped in and slammed the rolling doors shut just as soldiers came onto the scene and began to open fire on the transport. Fortunately, the heavy armor meant that the barrage of fire harmlessly glanced off. We took off with a jolt, plowing over more houses as we raced up the hills.

  “Tyu, are you okay? Where are the other elders?” I asked.

  “They’re in the second transport. Everyone made it out safely.”

  I fell to the floor with a sigh of relief. Many others slumped down and breathed deeply. We had worn ourselves out, while the humans looked like they could take more. They were no doubt used to such escapes.

  “Everyone is out…” I muttered. “We had barely any time to escape, and still, everyone lived…”

  “That’s why you always have means of escape, Veli.”

  Furnlo announced, “Tyunishi, Veli here risked his life and saved Kesha. I’m very proud of him. All of my hunters acted valiantly.”

  The chief… was proud of me? This was the first time he had spoken about me in anything other than a scolding or belittling manner.

  “I’m glad, I’m glad,” Tyu replied. “But I will miss our homeland and our valleys dearly. Oh yes, and to our new human friends, we owe a great deal to you all. Thank you very much.”

  I stood back up and peered out of a narrow window. We were rolling down a mountain pass that offered a beautiful view of the village. Only now, it was burning, covered with metal men who were tearing our home apart in search for survivors. I looked over to the factory where all of the pikes were once kept. They took notice of the building, and promptly obliterated it with their rolling super weapon. I was sure that the pikes, our life blood, were among the few objects that had we had taken with us.

  “Tyu… my parents…” I murmured tiredly.

  “They made it into the first transport. They’re already far ahead of us. Everything went as smoothly as we could hope for.”

  I breathed in and fell to the floor, exhausted.

  “So where do we go to get to China?” Martin asked. “We can’t just take these across the ocean.”

  “As far as we can get in Alaska… From what I understand, there is a small, felile-operated harbor at the coast down this route. They were about to disembark for a final time, but we made contact with them days ago, and they’re hopefully waiting for us there.”

  “Then here’s hoping for no more problems from here on out.”

  Time passed with little to fill it. Most of the hunters were still, some asleep. Kesha sat in a corner, reading a small book that someone must’ve given to her since we had fled. The transport bumped and jostled as it climbed over hills and rocks, slowly proceeding westward. We were all used to moving, but this time it was different. We wouldn’t be making another village, and we’d be running far from our home.

  I slid over to Kesha to check on her. “You okay?”

  She looked up from her book and replied, “Yes… I’m fine. You were… so brave, Veli. You really are a great warrior. And… I’m sorry.”

  “You did nothing wrong.” I sat next to her. “And I’m no warrior.”

  “My mother—is she okay?”

  “Tyu said everyone escaped just fine… So she should be in the carrier just ahead of us.”

  “It’s dark in here… and bumpy. Really cramped, too… Smelly…”

  “At some point we’ll stop and reorder. Maybe the other carriers have extra space and they’ll be more comfortable. This one got stuck with most of the hunters. You’re by far the youngest in here, so I can understand your discomfort.” I laughed a little.

  Kesha leaned on my shoulder and quietly fell asleep. Soon after, I also began to doze off.

  A few hours later, Vince crawled over and awoke me from my trance-like rest.

  “Veli… I’m sorry about your home. I know how it feels… But maybe… what happened to the people I knew was much worse. Millions of them are trapped, and no one knows what they’re going through. You should be a little happy, at least—your parents, your people are still alive.”

  “I know. I am. It was just a place with houses. And you’re right, my people are the village, and possessions are far less important than life.”

  “I don’t think many of our people realize that.”

  Outside, the sun had set and the sky was dark blue. We had been in the transport for at least six hours. It continued its trek between mountains, over rivers, and across forests without pause.

  Then a bright flash suddenly broke through the night sky.

  “What was that?” I asked, leaning Kesha back into the corner.

  I stood up and looked through the window with Vince. Another flash followed, and in the distance I saw a thin beam of light from the sky vanish behind the mountains. I knew that it had hit our village.

  “Hyper-cannon satellite from above…” Vince informed me. “They really wanted your village completely gone, erased.”

  “They can attack from space?”

  “Those are probably imperial weapons, yes.”

  Ruby came in from behind us and added, “Funny thing, our empire. They’re so savage and limitless, yet feign the inability to combat the imaginary foe they conceived. How can people fall for any of it?”

  “I can’t believe they’d kill children…” I mentioned sadly.

  Ruby looked at Kesha. “They’ll kill anyone. Anyone who gets in their way, anyone who opposes. Anyone who isn’t with them. Or people they brought about and decided didn’t have the right to live. I often wonder how such a terrible leadership was allowed to prosper.”

  I slid back down to the floor.

  She continued, “Veli, I want you to know… You can trust us. We’re all in this together. No matter where we go, we work as one.”

  I nodded quietly in the dark. “That’s another of our morals: in the end, there should be no more than two opposing forces at one time.”

  “Well, felile have definitely earned my trust,” Vince said.

  “Thank you… We’ll need it for this long journey ahead of us. So, an entire city for felile… These are such strange times for me. You know, it’s even kind of strange how we met, when I think about it.”

  “You never got to tell me. What was life like in the village?”

  “Simple. Hunt. Learn. Help… Know that humans are corrupt, greedy, and not to be trusted. That’s what we were taught since birth. Our people have moved several times, always going deeper into the old forests. And now, well… I’ve never even seen the ocean.”

  “These are some old carriers,” Ruby said as she looked around. “Where did you find these things?”

  “We’ve always had them, so far as I know. One of my earliest memories is of riding in one. They’re at least fifty years old. The problem is getting fuel for them, since there isn’t a lot of it around.”

  “It’s sort of amazing that such a simple village can also have some knowledge of technology, like your pikes and these vehicles.”

  “We had no choice but to live like we did. And it’s really only the older felile who possess the wisdom of human creations. We wouldn’t be here if not for old human tools, and now they use the new ones to kill us.”

  “I’m sure Vince told you a little about this, but on the way here, we had to go through endless, empty wasteland. Still, that emptiness was better than the vicious gangs and other vigilantes we had to avoid. Wherever they weren’t present, there might be a town. But where there was a town, there were Terra-Forces, if just in small police groups. We had to restock, refuel, and leave without drawing any attention. And we’d have to make a camp every night, leaving a few of us awake and on watch.

  “We continued like this for months, so when we saw your village, the first thing that came to mind was that maybe, just maybe, we could live there with you and forget about our worries. Forget about everything.”

  “We’ll never have a home until one side triumphs over the other,” I thought aloud. “And my people may only find a home in death.”

  “Don’t say that, Veli. I’ll never let that happen… I’ll never let the Empire destroy your people,” Ruby assured him. “I’m going to return to the others. Sleep well, okay?”

  Ruby left us as Vince began to have trouble keeping his eyes open.

  He yawned. “See you in the morning, hope you get some rest.”

  “Yeah… Goodnight.”

  The carrier turned again and moonlight flooded in, illuminating the bodies of all the hunters, resting after their finest moment yet. I had once felt so hopeless, like everything we tried would be in vain, but now there was a tiny measure of something building inside.

  I took off my outer cloak and used it as a pillow, the only thing keeping me off the cold, hard metal beneath.

  Another image flashed in front of me just then, similar to what had happened yesterday at the cliff. But this image depicted myself, victorious over an entire army of soldiers. This was my own vision—a dream of my subconscious, perhaps.

  I had realized that I was different from the others. I wasn’t sure why or how, but I knew that I was. Maybe it would be something I’d grow to understand. And growth, as the elders say, was not without pain.