My life got back on track. I acted as if nothing had happened that day. I came back to the docks, parked my boat, and went to my painting class. That day, I avoided red colour. I could finally breathe with my full chest. The air seemed lighter, fresher, even tastier. A meal at my favourite restaurant was better, more filling. The ice cream – sweeter, cooler, maybe smoother. Life felt brighter and easier. I had no guilt, shame, or remorse for what I had done. I knew my role in it well, and I embraced it. I was even proud of it. However, in two days, I would be made to regret my decision.

  In the deep night, while clouds slowly crawled along the sky, I sat on the beach where I once found Han, looking at the horizon. Suddenly, I saw something in the water. I jumped up from my place when I recognised the face. Sakharkarkhan was in the ocean, staring at me, but not coming to the shore. Tears immediately welled in my eyes. I ran towards him. Ignoring the fact I had clothes on, I rushed into the water towards him. However, as I got just one metre from him, Han moved backwards.

  “Oh my God, I’m so glad to see you!” I said, yet he kept his distance.

  I noticed and stopped. The water was a little higher than my waist.

  “What… what’s going on?” I asked with concern.

  “Why would you do that?” he asked in a disappointed tone.

  My heart skipped a beat. Of course, Sakharkarkhan would find out about it and, of course, he disapproved. I knew it, yet I never stopped to think about it before. I was blinded by rage and encouraged by the females.

  “I’m sorry, Han,” I started. “I know it was wrong, but… what else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t let him get away with it.”

  “You were not in the right to be the judge. Neither you nor Karakhrane or Raskarerkne,” Han explained. “I know why they wanted to do it - it’s in their nature - but you… you knew I would be against it. Why would you do that?”

  His voice was so painfully sad. I could see tears in his eyes as well. The scars on his face and body were still fresh, bringing back even more memories of that day. I wanted to touch him so badly, embrace him, kiss him to finally know he would be alright. Yet I couldn’t. He wouldn’t let me get close to him.

  “Listen, I’m sorry, I really am, just… why can’t you understand, I couldn’t let him threaten your life again. Your life or anyone else’s who comes here.”

  “I understand what led you to it, though I disagree with it. But have you thought about what will happen next? Despite whatever I say or think, it doesn’t matter - you will be persecuted for what you did.”

  “I’m not scared of Hell or God if it means I can keep you safe!”

  “It’s not what I’m talking about, Isaac,” to hear my name spoken by him felt both like a blessing and a curse. “You killed a man. And it doesn’t matter what reasoning you had, because humans won’t listen. They will hunt you down and punish you for working with the monsters. Persecute you for betrayal. They will lock you up for the rest of your life, and I will never see you again.”

  I couldn’t utter a word. I had never thought of that.

  “I will lose you forever because of what you did,” Han continued, heartbreak in his tone. “I love you so much, Isaac. I want to hold you and kiss you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I can’t now. I… I can’t even look at you now. I hated that man, I did, but I always hoped that he would never take you from me. Yet here we are. I would rather you had never found me that day, because it would be less painful to die than to know I will never see you again.”

  He turned to swim away. I panicked.

  “No, please, Han, don’t go! No! I’m sorry! Please, come back! HAN!”

  My pleas did nothing. He left me fighting against the waves, screaming aimlessly into the distance. Sakharkarkhan left as quietly as he came. Not a trace of his presence in the night. I swam back to the shore, breaking down, crying on my knees again. I didn’t mean what I said about being sorry. I didn’t regret my actions one bit. However, seeing how disappointed Sakharkarkhan was with me, how my actions tortured him, made me feel pathetic.

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  Time moved on. Life wouldn’t wait for me to pull myself together. At first, I thought Han could have been overreacting. For two weeks, I lived peacefully. Job, therapy, dinners with friends or family, hobbies – all as usual. Then people noticed that their beloved mermaid expert hadn’t been around for a while. The police started an investigation, while I started to come up with a plan to run away. There wasn’t a way they wouldn’t track it all back to me. While there wouldn’t be any traces in the ocean, there could be blood on the base of my boat, or recordings from street cameras of us going to the docks. Paper trails of my outings to the ocean, random bystanders observing something. It could come crumbling down on my head like a house of cards. Sakharkarkhan was right. There was no way people wouldn’t blame me for Ramon’s death.

  I kept myself informed on the police investigation through the news. Every day, I took small, seemingly unrelated steps to prepare for an escape. I still didn’t know exactly where to run, yet I didn’t want to be caught. Buying more canned food with my groceries, taking money out of my bank account in small amounts, gathering resources, and saying especially endearing goodbyes to my social circles. My mother caught on to my strange behaviour. I had to tell her what was happening. Her gaze, the pure disbelief in her eyes - I will never forget it. I didn’t tell her I had murdered Ramon. All I said was that I knew he was dead. Yet I think she figured it out. What surprised me most, she didn’t stop me, but she didn’t help me either.

  When the police first came to me, I was all ready to get away. I complied with their investigation so as not to seem suspicious. I played it cool. The story I came up with had holes in it, and I expected them to get to the truth sooner or later. After rounds of interrogations, they let me out, warning me not to leave the town. I never planned to listen to them. When they find the proof they need, I will only find out about it as cuffs close on my wrists, so I wasn’t about to sit around and wait.

  That night, I sat at the pier, staring at the water. I had sent letters to my friends and parents, explaining everything from my perspective. I wanted them to know at least a little bit of the truth behind the narrative on the news. When the clock struck twelve, I would leave on my boat in an unknown direction. I had no particular hiding place in mind, I simply wanted to get away.

  Suddenly, I heard a familiar mermaid call. At first, I couldn’t believe my ears. I assumed I was only hearing what I wanted to hear. However, soon I noticed a line in the water, closing in on me. My hands started shaking. A face I had longed to see all this time showed from the ocean under my feet. I gasped quietly. His blue eyes gazed upon me with an empathetic smile. I couldn’t speak a word. Then he dove underwater, accelerating and jumping out, he landed next to me on the edge of the pier, sitting by my side. My eyes widened. My breaths were fast and short. Heart beating so quickly I could hear it in my head. Sakharkarkhan was next to me. With a soft stare, he pulled me into his arms and I melted. I broke down in tears, wrapping my hands around him, squeezing tightly. He held me in an embrace as I sobbed. When I calmed down a little, he finally spoke:

  “I heard you are planning an escape.”

  I nodded silently.

  “Do you know where you will go?”

  I shook my head.

  “I knew this would happen, but I hoped I’d be wrong.”

  “I thought you never wanted to see me again,” I murmured.

  “I never said that,” he held me by my chin, raising my eyes to meet his gaze. “I still love you, Isaac. I never wanted to lose you.”

  I bit my lower lip. I wanted to kiss him. Han caressed my cheek gently, observing me with a tender expression. Then he pulled me closer, leaning forward, and kissed me. I remember tears rolling out of my eyes as I felt his lips on mine. I felt safe. Like nothing in the world mattered when I was with him. In his embrace. Under his gaze. Next to him.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here all this time. I needed some time to think and to heal,” Han said.

  “Don’t apologise. I did it to myself. You have nothing to say sorry for.”

  “Still, I feel like I failed you.”

  “It was me who ruined it all. None of this is your fault.”

  “In a way it is. If I hadn’t come over that day without notice, maybe none of this would ever have happened,” Han paused. “But I wanted to see you so badly, I just couldn’t wait any longer.”

  “It’s not your fault, Han. Please, just stop blaming yourself for the mistakes of other people. You don’t deserve it.”

  I took his hand in mine, caressing it fondly. It was time for me to leave. He knew it too.

  “Before you go,” Sakharkarkhan spoke up, “I have a suggestion.”

  I let him continue.

  “I don’t know if it will work, or if you will agree to it, but… what if I help you fake your death?” he paused. “Then I will carry you to the island. The one we talked about a long time ago.”

  “Where people welcome mermaids,” I whispered in disbelief.

  “Yes. There still might be a risk that they will find you there, but maybe that way we can stay together for longer.”

  I agreed. It didn’t matter what his plan implied or required, I was in. I was ready to drown for real if it meant I could start over in a new place with Han. There was still hope to be together. To escape the purgatory. There was a way to get away from it all.