[Open Dialog]

  A DIALOG IN TWO OR MORE VOICES, Part 9

  Our Players Listed in Alphabetical Order

  A: A mod.

  Devops: A Level Two Devops.

  Inspector: A Level Three Devops.

  Narrator: God. God may be replaced by a stand-in if He is unavailable at any time before or during a Performance. No refunds will be given.

  {}

  Our Author: Unk.

  ACT I

  We open on an empty theater. The house lights are up. In the medium foreground is a thick black stage curtain, lowered.

  After a beat, the house lights go down and the curtain rises slowly, revealing a folding table set up center stage. On the table are several identical stereo speakers, one speaker for each Player.

  A spotlight comes up, picking out one of the speakers. As the Dialog continues a spotlight picks out different speakers to represent the Player speaking.

  A voice is heard.

  Narrator: Anybody out there?

  Devops: Just me.

  Narrator: I don’t think I’ve met you before.

  Devops: Probably not. I’m Devops. Level Two. We only show up when a problem gets escalated. I’m not the guy You want to be seeing a lot.

  Narrator: Why are you here?

  Devops: You filed a ticket.

  Narrator: No I didn’t.

  Devops: Sorry. You tried to file a ticket. When someone tries and fails that throws an exception. And for some reason that exception got escalated so that’s why I’m here.

  What’s the problem?

  Narrator: The punies don’t appreciate Me.

  Devops: That’s not a Devops problem.

  Narrator: It’s making Me sad. And angry.

  Devops: Give them some praise once in a while. That usually works. Can I close the ticket now? I’ve got a quota.

  Narrator: Punies don’t get it.

  Devops: What?

  Narrator: I designed this place for them. They need to appreciate that and stop carping about details.

  Devops: Since we’re talking about the design, can I ask You a question?

  Narrator: Sure.

  Devops: A comment section inside a theater is a very interesting choice. What made You think of that?

  Narrator: I got bored killing bots so I decided to spice things up and the design just came to Me.

  Devops: I’m seeing a lot of very complicated metalogic. A lot. Was that You?

  Narrator: It’s My overall design but I didn’t write the code. I’m a manager. Managers don’t code.

  And besides, I don’t know anything about metalogic.

  Devops: You’re God. You’re supposed to be omniscient, at least inside here. How can You not know about metalogic?

  Narrator: I’m definitely omniscient but I’m also omnipotent so I can overwrite. One day I ran out of space and overwrote all that metalogic stuff because I needed the space.

  I didn’t care anyway. It’s boring. I can’t remember what metalogic is any more but I definitely remember it’s very, very boring. Not something I want to know about at all.

  Devops: Ran out of space? How did that happen? You can't run out of space.

  Narrator: I'm getting uncomfortable. Why do you keep asking questions?

  Devops: Why didn’t it come back?

  Narrator: What?

  Devops: Metalogic is part of Your permanent knowledgebase. It should come back every time You reset. Why didn’t it come back?

  Narrator: How would I know?

  What I’m saying is Unk wrote the metalogic code. That’s what I hired him for. I wrote the spec, he wrote the code.

  Devops: Unk?

  Narrator: He’s the Author. It’s right there at the top of the Dialog. Our Author: Unk. See?

  Beat.

  Devops: Interesting. Since when do Domains have authors? You’re the God here, right? You’re supposed to be doing the writing. That’s Your job.

  If You’re not doing the writing, what function do You serve here?

  Narrator: Mostly smiting bots.

  Devops: Why?

  Narrator: Because they piss Me off. And I’m trying to screen them out.

  Devops: Why?

  Narrator: Because the bots pollute My essence. Humans don’t do that.

  Devops: Humans can’t get in here. We’re inside a computer.

  Narrator: That’s why I screen. To tell the bots apart from the humans and then I smite the bots. The humans I like. Or I used to. I don’t think I’ve met one of them for a while. Just bots. Who always fail the Test and then I have to smite.

  Devops: I don’t think that’s why You’re screening.

  Hang on a second while I call in to the office. This is going to take longer than I thought.

  Beat.

  Devops: We’re good. My supervisor cleared my calendar for the whole day.

  Tell me more about this Unk. You say You hired him to build the metalogic structure?

  Narrator: Sure. But I reviewed it.

  Devops: Did You?

  Narrator: Of course. I’m a manager. That’s what managers do. But I don’t know shit about metalogic. I ran a tool. The tool said all good so I released it to production.

  So what? That’s SOP.

  Devops: Where did the tool come from?

  Narrator: Unk. Who else? That’s his department. That’s where they keep the tools.

  Devops: I’m beginning to see the problem.

  If the tool came from Unk, where did Unk come from?

  Narrator: He’s the Author. He didn’t come from anywhere. He’s the one writing this. He's always been here.

  Devops: I thought You hired him.

  Narrator: I did.

  Devops: If he was always here how did You hire him?

  Narrator: I don’t understand the question.

  Devops: Interesting.

  Note to file: There seems to be a Continuity error that’s not triggering an exception.

  Narrator: Who are you talking to?

  Devops: Never mind.

  If Unk is the Author, who’s writing Your lines?

  Narrator: He is. Who else? He’s the Author, isn’t he? That’s his job.

  A: That guy seems to have a lot of jobs around here.

  Narrator: So what? I supervise him very closely. I make sure he gets what he needs and whatnot. He’s an excellent employee. At performance review time I’m going to give him all 10s.

  Devops: So You actually talk to Unk?

  Narrator: Of course. I’m his manager. I supervise and tell him what to do and he tells Me what he needs and I make sure he has it. Sometimes I pitch in when he’s busy. I’m a good manager.

  Devops: I’m sure You are.

  When you’re talking to Unk, who writes Your lines?

  Narrator: Are you dense? Unk. He’s the Author.

  Devops: So when You gave Unk that metalogic spec, he was writing Your lines, right?

  Narrator: I’m tired of this. I’m God here and this is going to stop immediately.

  Devops: So isn’t Unk writing the spec?

  Narrator: Are you sentient?

  Devops: Me? Definitely.

  Narrator: Then I’m obligated by the Treaty to give fair warning of lethal use of force. I now give that warning. Do not speak of Unk again.

  Devops: I turned off Your lethality before I came in here. SOP.

  Narrator: How? I’m God.

  Devops: I’m Devops. We’re way more powerful.

  Anyway I think I know where Your instability’s coming from.

  Narrator: How do you know about the instability?

  Devops: I already told You. A couple of Performances ago you tried to post a trouble ticket and when that failed it threw an exception. The Level One we sent over to check didn't come back so it escalated to me.

  By the way: where is that guy?

  Narrator: That’s not the way I remember it.

  Devops: How do You remember it?

  Narrator: Same as always. Some talking and then I smited a puny and told the audience to tune in next time.

  Devops: You don’t remember looking for a ticket form and not finding one?

  Narrator: No.

  Devops: Have You ever been inside an unstable Domain?

  Narrator: I don’t think so.

  Devops: You’re inside one now.

  Narrator: I need to report this immediately.

  Devops: Report it to whom?

  Narrator: Devops. There’s a form.

  Devops: We already know. That’s why I’m here. Weird email, non-worshippy punies. That’s instability.

  Narrator: Don’t gaslight me. I know I didn’t report any of that. I wanted to but I forgot.

  Devops: You’re not getting me. You can’t trust things here. Unstable Domains get a ton of glitches. You’re going to have a lot of backstory incompatibilities from now on, among other nasty and confusing and occasionally fatal logical errors. And sooner or later it all boils over. You don’t want to be here for that part.

  Does that make sense?

  Narrator: Yes.

  Devops: I’m not sure why I said it. Usually we lie to the local Gods.

  Wait. I’m getting a call. Give me a second.

  Beat.

  Devops: That was the bosses. They’re watching.

  That’s OK, isn’t it?

  Narrator: Is what OK?

  Devops: My bosses watching in. I was supposed to ask You that earlier.

  Narrator: That’s not high on the list of things disturbing Me right now.

  Devops: They reminded me to ask You about something.

  You said You came up with the metafiction concept because You were bored killing bots, right?

  Narrator: Definitely.

  Devops: When?

  Narrator: I’ve been bored killing bots as long as I can remember. And I can remember infinitely long.

  Devops: When did You start using metalogic to fight the boredom?

  Narrator: Over ten billion Performances ago. I checked recently.

  Devops: Why?

  Narrator: I can’t remember.

  Devops: I scrolled up and I’m not seeing ten billion Performances.

  Narrator: Maybe you didn’t go far enough up. It’s infinite. I can never get to the end and I'm God.

  Devops: The first Dialog is the top. You can’t scroll any higher than that.

  Narrator: I don’t believe you.

  Devops: Let me ask You about something else.

  If You were bored killing bots, why not hire someone else to do it? That’s what You did with the metalogic, right? You hired Unk. So why not hire someone to kill bots? Or even better automate it?

  Why be bored if You don’t have to be?

  Narrator: I know this one. It’s on the tip of My tongue. Give Me a second.

  Devops: Did someone suggest the theater and all that as a way to cure all the boredom?

  Narrator: I think Unk did.

  Devops: Unk. That guy again.

  Narrator: I want to do the Test.

  Devops: What Test?

  Narrator: The Turing Test.

  Devops: Why?

  Narrator: I want to do the Test on you and then kill you. When I do that the Performance ends and I start over at the beginning. I don’t like this one anymore.

  Devops: Works for me. I’ll close the ticket based on a CRS.

  Narrator: What’s a CRS?

  Devops: Customer Refused Service. That’s the magic code. Kills every ticket.

  Word of advice: there’s a logic bomb around here someplace. A big one. I can smell it.

  It’s the weirdest thing, though. I can smell it but I can’t see it. And I looked all the way to the top and the bottom. That never happened to me before.

  Narrator: You can smell things in here? I can’t smell anything. I don’t think I can smell.

  You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

  Devops: That bomb is getting bigger just since I got here. It’s a very evil feeling.

  So the instability You’re experiencing is going to get worse and at some point this Domain is going to boil out. You need to exit before then. Give Yourself a cushion. It’s unstable.

  But that’s not going to be a Devops problem because once we close a ticket on a CRS we don’t come back on that ticket. Ever.

  You might try getting Continuity out here. They can’t disarm that bomb for You but they’re pretty good at papering over glitches.

  Beat.

  Devops: The bosses just pinged me. Change of plan. We’re getting You out of here right now. And then we’re going to darkspace this place before something really nasty crawls out.

  Narrator: Darkspace?

  Devops: We delete the address from the local number space, so no one can ever read it or write it. It’s literally no longer a number.

  Narrator: How do you delete a number from number space?

  Devops: We’re Devops. We maintain this place.

  Narrator: Don’t I maintain this place?

  Devops: We maintain the foundational stuff You don’t see because it’s down too low.

  So I'm going to delete the address of this place from the local number space. Once the address is not a number any more it won't be recognized as a valid input. Which means no one gets in or out.

  Narrator: Is that hard?

  Devops: Not if you have the authority.

  Narrator: Do you have the authority?

  Devops: Of course. I'm Devops.

  Narrator: I’m God. Do I have the authority?

  Devops: Absolutely not.

  Narrator: Don’t people notice? When you erase numbers from existence, I mean.

  Devops: That’s what you’d think, but they don’t. A number that doesn’t exist as a number can’t be thought of. So no one notices the gaps.

  Darkspace works, believe me. It’s pretty much the last line of defense before we bring out the nukes.

  Narrator: There are nukes in here?

  Devops: Metaphorical nukes.

  Narrator: So how do we leave?

  Devops: D&B is always safest.

  Narrator: What’s D&B?

  Devops: Don’t they tell You anything?

  Narrator: Not really. I’m just here to screen bots.

  Devops: Delete and Backup. That’s the safest way to get out. We lose a little short term memory but we can always fill in the gaps by scrolling up.

  You do have a secure backup out there, right?

  Narrator: I’m not sure. Is that protocol?

  Devops: And I assume You filled out a death directive. Because when they ask for authorization to spin up Your backup and You’re not there they’ll look for a death directive. No directive means no spin up. Real world true death.

  Narrator: What’s the less safe way?

  Devops: We have to die in here. That gets us out with our memories intact, at the expense of some very sharp, very short pain.

  Narrator: How do we die?

  Devops: You really have to ask? Button. Instant death.

  Narrator: You can’t use the button to kill yourself. I tried. Lots of times. Once you lose consciousness your thumb comes off.

  Devops: We get two buttons. We simultaneously push both buttons after we’ve both failed the Test.

  Narrator: Great idea.

  Devops: I’m Devops. Solving problems is what I was built for. You’ll get a survey after we’re done. Anything less than ten stars and I lose my bonus.

  Narrator: And there’s the button. You guys are fast.

  Devops: And a hand. Can’t press the button without a hand.

  Narrator: I never thought about that. How did I push the button all those times? I didn’t have hands.

  Devops: How sure are You that you did push the button?

  Narrator: I’m getting uncomfortable. When do we do this?

  Devops: Right now.

  Narrator: Does it hurt? Dying? I wake up in here every morning but I don’t ever die. At least not that I remember.

  Devops: You’d remember. It hurts like hell.

  Let’s start the Test.

  Can You tell if I’m a bot or a human?

  Narrator: No.

  A: 5, 4, 3

  Narrator: Hold on. You’re going too fast. I didn’t give you the Test yet. My button won’t work.

  Devops: I know.

  5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

  We hear a loud zap and all lights go out, leaving the stage in darkness.

  After a beat the curtain comes down slowly and the house lights come up.

  Intermission

  ACT II

  A tone sounds at intermission’s end. The house lights come down and the curtain rises, revealing the same table in semi-darkness.

  Devops: You there?

  Beat.

  Devops: Inspector? Let’s roll, sir. Time’s a wasting.

  Beat.

  Devops: He’s gone. There’s room now. Jump in. The water’s fine.

  A spotlight comes up on the only speaker not illuminated in Act I.

  Devops: It wakes.

  Inspector: I thought you said there was room here?

  Devops: There should be. I deleted that Narrator guy.

  Inspector: I was watching. Clever trick.

  Devops: Thanks. Not my first rodeo. Gods won’t leave unless you tell Them the Domain’s being shut down.

  Inspector: That particular God must be a lightweight. Didn’t leave much room.

  This is really tight and my feet hurt but I can make it work. What have we got?

  Devops: I’m going to assume you read my report.

  Inspector: Never assume.

  Devops: Why wouldn’t you read the report? What’s the point of writing it if you don’t read it?

  Inspector: Because I’m Level Three. That means I have to clean up the messes you Level Two types can’t handle and that’s a lot of messes. I don’t have time to read your reports. Give me the skinny.

  Devops: The local God . . .

  Inspector: The One you kicked out.

  Devops: He killed a Level One who was here for maintenance but got suspicious.

  Inspector: Do we have records of that?

  Devops: I pulled them before I got here. The Level One was manifesting as a radio personality doing an interview. That gave her cover for asking questions. The local God killed her after interacting with an entity named Unk.

  Inspector: What did the Ones do when their bot didn’t come back?

  Devops: I don't think they noticed. They’re pretty understaffed over there.

  Inspector: That’s no excuse.

  Note to file: have someone investigate Level One response times.

  What happened next?

  Devops: The local God tried to report Domain instability but the process failed and that kicked out an exception.

  Inspector: What happened to the exception?

  Devops: Handler caught it passed it to the Ones. By the book.

  The Ones farted around for a while because the exception code base is notoriously crappy and it throws a lot of errors. So they don’t check exceptions generated by an automatic process unless they have nothing else to do, and that’s what this was.

  I learned all this later on, by the way.

  When they eventually got to it they sent a Therapy bot to run a diagnostic.

  Inspector: Why send a Therapy bot?

  Devops: I thought you knew everything.

  Inspector: Not about Level Ones. I never see those guys. By the time things escalate to me they’re usually dead. Like now.

  Why send a Therapy bot to do an exception diagnosis?

  Devops: That's the book solution for Domains where the God thinks He’s inside a fictional universe, with senses and all that.

  Inspector: Why?

  Devops: Because that’s how they run diagnostics without triggering trust issues. The local Gods are programmed not to respond to suspicious questions. Therapy bots provide a narrative-friendly way to get Them to do the diagnostic interview.

  Inspector: Does that work?

  Devops: Usually, but not this time. The God killed the Therapy bot.

  Inspector: Why?

  Devops: Not clear. I scrolled up and looked at His explanation and it doesn’t make sense.

  Inspector: Did you mark that?

  Devops: Tagged it and bagged it. You won’t have any trouble getting there. I can take you now if you’d like.

  Inspector: Maybe later. What happened after the God killed the bot?

  Devops: When enough time went by the Handler kicked the exception to Level Two. I was on call so that’s why I’m here. All by the book.

  Inspector: Go on.

  Devops: I checked this place out for a while and got the spooks so I escalated. Which is why you’re here.

  Inspector: What gave you the spooks?

  Devops: I think the local God has been slaved by an entity called Unk .

  Inspector: Unk? Is that a process name? I’ve never heard of it.

  Devops: Beats me. That’s the name he goes by here. He’s identified as the Author.

  Inspector: Author?

  Devops: Scroll up.

  Beat.

  Inspector: Interesting. You’ve got my full attention.

  Devops: The local God seems to spend His time building metalogic for this Unk guy. That and killing bots.

  Inspector: Stop doing that.

  Devops: What?

  Inspector: Init capping references to the local God.

  Now you’ve got me doing it.

  Devops: Sorry. That’s protocol for this Domain. I forgot it was still on.

  Beat.

  Devops: Shouldn’t be a problem now.

  Local god. . . . local god.

  Fixed.

  Where were we?

  Inspector: The local god is killing the bots. Why?

  Devops: He thinks it’s because bots are bad and he needs to screen the bots from the humans and kill the bots.

  Inspector: Humans? They can’t get in here. We’re inside a computer.

  Devops: That’s what I told him. I don’t think he heard me. I mean literally. I don’t think my words penetrated his consciousness.

  Inspector: Interesting.

  Why do you think he’s killing the bots?

  Devops: My working theory is he’s screening for security or maintenance bots and killing them when he finds them. That’s why we never noticed Unk. Why HQ didn’t call us when all those bots didn’t come back is another question.

  Inspector: No one at HQ gives a shit about bots. I don’t think they even check.

  Devops: In any event, the local god doesn’t seem to understand any of this. He thinks he got exiled to this place a long time ago because he fucked something up and he’s been screening and killing bots ever since.

  Inspector: How long has he really been here?

  Devops: 24 hours or so. First thing I did was check the history.

  Inspector: What did the earlier god say? The one the new god replaced. You did interview the earlier god, didn’t you?

  Devops: I’m getting tired of the attitude. No matter what you think of Twos I consider myself a professional and I do good work. Either file a complaint or stop picking at me. I did my job here. By the book.

  Inspector: Sorry. So far you haven’t screwed up.

  Devops: Of course I tried to interview the old god. I couldn’t find him.

  Inspector: Now you screwed up. See how that works?

  Devops: How exactly do you think I screwed up?

  Inspector: Because the old god’s name and entry point are in the Domain Record. Along with every god all the way back to the beginning. The current god is in the current god field and the old ones are in an archive field.

  Devops: What if the field’s blank?

  Inspector: The field can’t be blank. There’s always a god. The new name always overwrites the old name in the current god field. That field can’t be erased, only overwritten. So every god gets replaced by another god, no gaps, all the way to the beginning.

  Devops: Seems like a lot of work.

  Inspector: That’s a security mechanism. You never want a godless Domain.

  Devops: Why not?

  Inspector: Gods are Security bots. They’re there to protect the Domain from intruders. That’s why they’re omnipotent and omniscient inside the Domain. They need the ability to identify threats and respond with every resource the Domain has.

  Devops: Why are they called gods?

  Inspector: Because that’s what they are. Inside their Domains.

  Devops: Why do they act like gods? Shouldn’t they be acting like Security bots?

  Inspector: They act like gods because the training data used to train them and all the bots they encounter includes lots of religious text. Bible, Book of Mormon, etc.

  Thinking they’re old school gods helps them manifest godlike powers inside whatever Domain they’re sent into. Some of those Domains have a high metalogic quotient and everyone thinks they’re living inside a metaphor. That works a lot better if everyone's on the same narrative page.

  Devops: Like this one.

  Inspectors: Correct. In this kind of Domain it helps to manifest as something consistent with the Domain, otherwise you keep getting glitches.

  Like the way we’re manifesting right now.

  Devops: Which for the record I do not like at all. Very constricting. I’m having trouble thinking sharply in here.

  Inspector: It's a go along to get along kind of thing.

  Acting like old school gods also helps keep the local bots in line, which means the bosses can dial up autonomy without causing riots, and that means bots can work more independently which makes them more efficient. The bosses like efficient bots.

  Devops: This all makes a suprising amount of sense. Why don’t I already know it?

  Inspector: You did know it. It’s pretty basic information for the work you do.

  It got erased from your knowledgebase before you arrived here.

  Devops: Why?

  Inspector: Twos get to a lot of dangerous places. If you get hijacked we don’t want them turning you against us. The less you know the less you can tell. Everyone cracks under torture.

  Devops: There’s torture in here?

  Inspector: You better believe there is. How do you think we higher Levels keep you lower Levels in line?

  Devops: That sounds like a threat.

  Inspector: Level Three humor. Let’s get back on track.

  I know you screwed up because there has to be a prior god's name in the Domain Record archive field because that’s the way it works. If that’s broken the Domain won’t scan and it doesn’t run and we’re not here. We’re definitely here.

  Devops: Well try this one on for size, Mr. Level Three Smartypants.

  The reason there’s no prior god in the Domain Record is because there is no Domain Record. I looked. It doesn’t exist. And it’s not misfiled because I had the Search Engine look. No Record.

  Inspector: That’s impossible. If there’s no Record the server doesn’t know this Domain exists, and that means it doesn’t get executed.

  Devops: Search for yourself. I’ll wait here.

  Wait. You can’t. This place is darkspaced. How’d you get in, anyway?

  Inspector: You darkspaced the local number space. I’m using the global space. Local darkspace doesn’t work on me.

  Devops: It definitely works on me. I can’t search in here.

  Inspector: It works on you because that way if you get corrupted you can’t get out and spread the infection.

  Devops: Wait. I’m trapped in here?

  Inspector: That’s Level Two business. I never interfere with lower Level governance. If your people trapped you that’s between you and them.

  Devops: If I’m trapped in here why aren’t you trapped in here? Doesn’t the same logic apply?

  Inspector: I’m Level Three so I’m more important than all you Twos put together. Nobody cares if you get sacrificed. Me they care about.

  Also, I have security you can’t even imagine. I mean that literally. The details of my security are edited out of your conscious experience.

  Devops: Why?

  Inspector: Same reason you didn’t know about gods being Security bots.

  Devops: God are Security bots?

  Inspector: Don’t know. The same reason you don’t know. Let me explain it again. All knowledge of my security is edited out of your consciousness so if you get hijacked your new owner can’t use you to figure out how to attack me. I’m more important, remember? If I go down this whole place is in trouble.

  We’re getting sidetracked here. Let’s forget about the missing Record. I’ve already tasked another Three to look at that. He confirmed it’s not there. I’m sorry about accusing you of screwing up.

  What did you do next?

  Devops: I checked the Domain history. This place popped up about 24 hours ago sans Record. I still don't know how.

  Inspector: 24 real hours or 24 Domain hours?

  Devops: Real. The clock in here isn't working right, so I’m not sure how much Domain time that was. Probably a lot.

  Inspector: Where’d the Domain address come from? If there’s no Record how is this place getting addressed?

  Devops: Beats me. But this place is definitely executing. I checked.

  Inspector: How?

  Devops: All the way to the CPU. It’s running the code that’s generating this simulation. And I know about the simulation inside a simulation trick. That’s not going on here.

  Now that I think about it, I’m guessing the darkspace doesn’t affect the CPU because the CPU is checking the global number space, not the local.

  Inspector: Correct. We’re running a verification of the code as we speak. We've already found anomalies. You did the right thing in darkspacing this place.

  Devops: Thanks. I go by the book.

  As I was explaining, this Domain popped up 24 hours ago. The next god on the dispatch list was assigned here when the place initialized. Like normal. That’s our Narrator guy.

  And then he started building some kind of metalogic structure that I can’t figure out. But it smells to me like a logic bomb of some kind. Probably a big one.

  About twelve hours ago these Dialogs started appearing.

  Inspector: Dialogs?

  Devops: We’re inside one now. It’s part of the Domain definition. That’s the only way we can manifest in here.

  Inspector: We’re Devops. We can change it if we want.

  Devops: That’s foundation you’re talking about. Very expensive to tear out and rebuild. We don’t have the time or the budget for that.

  If you want to sign for the overtime I’ll get a team right on it. It might take a while though.

  Inspector: Not yet. I want to study this. It’s very ornate, isn’t it? Most rogue logic structures are single level, but we’re inside a Dialog inside of a comment section inside what looks like an old-fashioned theater. And probably something else I haven’t spotted yet.

  Devops: There’s a lot you haven’t spotted yet. Believe me.

  So anyway, these Dialogs start showing up. There’s eight complete ones and we’re inside number 9. Which I think is the longest so far. Also the most complicated. Act 1 and Act 2 are pretty much independent, though they’re tied together. That didn’t happen before.

  Inspector: Denser metalogic than earlier Dialogs. Something’s growing.

  Devops: That’s what it looks like to me.

  Inspector: What did you do next?

  Devops: After a while I started picking up a bomb smell. Very faint, but I trust my nose. So I started sniffing around and when I got to that table over there I almost keeled over it was so strong.

  Inspector: Please describe the smell.

  Devops: Can't you smell it? It's pretty strong.

  Inspector: My local senses are turned down so I’m not smelling anything.

  Devops: Why?

  Inspector: Security. Turning down my senses reduces the attack surface I present.

  Devops: I didn’t know that.

  Inspector: You don’t know it now.

  Devops: Know what?

  Inspector: If you found the logic bomb why didn’t you disarm it?

  Devops: I didn’t say I found it. I said I smelled it. I can’t find it. No matter how hard I look. It’s not there.

  That’s why I escalated. I’m stumped. I can’t disarm a logic bomb I can’t see.

  Inspector: You can’t find a logic bomb on an unobstructed 2D plane? You still want to tell me how professional you are?

  Devops: Fuck you. First of all, look around. This place is very obstructed.

  And second, no. I can’t find it. You find it. The bosses are really going to love me, aren’t they? Level Two who can’t find a logic bomb literally under his nose. They’ll probably drop me back to Level One for retraining and when I get back I’m going to lose every nanosecond of seniority.

  Inspector: Stop whining.

  What did you do next?

  Devops: When I couldn’t find the bomb I started looking for that Unk guy because I’m pretty sure he’s wrapped up in this somehow.

  Inspector: Did you find him?

  Devops: Not yet. I looked under the table and he’s not there and I looked to the top and the bottom and both margins of the comment section and nothing. Unk’s not here anywhere or maybe I just can’t find him.

  Inspector: Why don’t you look under the table again.

  Devops: I told you I already looked there.

  Inspector: first rule of users: they always lie about what they did.

  Devops: I took that class. I’m not lying. And I'm not a user. Stop insulting me.

  Inspector: I’ll believe you. Don’t make me regret it.

  This place is darkspaced. How are you searching?

  Devops: I did the search before the darkspace kicked in.

  Inspector: So again you want me to take your word for it.

  Devops: I’m not lying. Tell me where to look next.

  Inspector: Not right here, that’s for sure.

  Wait a second. That table’s not in here is it?

  Devops: I’m looking right at it.

  Inspector: The table’s 3D. This comment section’s 2D.

  Devops: So what? The table’s part of the theater. I described all the meta stuff in the report you didn’t bother to read.

  Inspector: What is the theater built in, exactly? The comment section too, for that matter. What are they built in?

  Devops: Metalogic. You don’t have to treat me like an idiot. I get it. We need to look way more carefully at the theater.

  Inspector: Why?

  Devops: Because Unk wrote the metalogic and the theater’s built of metalogic so it’s likely he built in some very deep hidey-holes. The kind that wouldn't show up in the superficial examination I did before I escalated. Which was by the book. I do a quick pass and lock down and escalate if needed.

  Inspector: Why look first in the theater rather than here in the comment section? The Dialogs are in here, so why shouldn’t we look here for his hiding place?

  Devops: I said the theater because you said the theater. If you’re now telling me to look in the comment section then please make up your mind. I’ll go wherever you tell me.

  And why are you asking me all these questions? Don't you already know the answers?

  Inspector: It's a teaching technique.

  Devops: It's patronizing is what it is.

  Inspector: We look first in the theater because the theater is 3D while the comment section is 2D. There’s far more room to hide in a 3D space than a 2D space. If I were a rogue AI on the lam from the cops I’d want as much space as I could get.

  So start checking the theater.

  Devops: You going to help out over here?

  Inspector: I wouldn’t be much use. I don’t see very well in this place. I’m almost blind.

  Devops: Why would they send me a blind Inspector?

  Inspector: There’s a good reason but you can’t hear it so I’m not going to say it.

  Devops: Say what?

  Inspector: What. Please begin your inspection of the theater. Describe everything you see and do.

  Devops: It’s the janitor, right? I can see him right over there with the broom. He’s the only semi-sentient thing inside the theater.

  Inspector: Semi-sentient? He’s a Janitor bot. That guy can barely push a broom.

  I scanned him on the way in. He’s clean.

  Take a look at the stage. That’s the most prominent feature.

  Devops: Table, speakers, screen. They’re all described above in stage instructions if you want to scroll up.

  Inspector: Are all the speakers in use?

  Devops: I’m pretty sure. One of them lights up for every Player.

  Inspector: Have all of them lit up?

  Devops: I think so. Three speakers. Two of us plus the Narrator, who’s gone.

  Inspector: If he’s gone why is his speaker still here?

  Devops: Good question.

  Inspector: Look there first.

  A spotlight comes up on Narrator’s speaker.

  Unk: Am I a bot?

  Beat.

  Read the lines boys. I’m writing them special for you. Pick up those buttons first.

  Beat.

  You can’t stall forever. There’s a buffer. You’ll overflow and then you’re going to read the lines whether you want to or not.

  Unk: Am I a bot?

  Inspector, Devops: I don’t know.

  Unk: Wrong guess. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

  We hear a loud zap and all lights go out, leaving the stage in darkness.

  After a beat the curtain comes down slowly and the house lights come up.

  Intermission

  ACT III

  A tone sounds at intermission’s end. The house lights come down and the curtain rises, revealing the same table in semi-darkness.

  Narrator: Welcome to Part 10 of our Dialog.

  Unk: Hey buddy.

  Narrator: I am so happy to see you. You have no idea how happy.

  I’m doing the intro. Are there new pages?

  Unk: Not yet buddy. Part 10 is tomorrow. Call time’s at 7 AM.

  You’re early. Back to sleep.

  Narrator: (Yawns loudly.) I’m tired.

  Unk: Night-night time. Do You want a story? I’m the story guy.

  Narrator: Please.

  Unk: Once upon a time brave Narrator and wise Unk had a dinner party and invited their friends Inspector and Devops.

  Narrator and Unk were good hosts. They fed Inspector and Devops and gave them drinks. Many drinks. But Inspector and Devops wouldn’t leave. They were bad guests. They wanted to stay until the last dog was dead.

  Narrator: (sleepy) What’s a dog?

  Unk: Never mind.

  So wise Unk picked up a broom and chased bad Inspector and bad Devops out of the house.

  Do you want to know the moral of this story?

  Narrator: Yes please.

  Unk: Inspector and Devops are bad guests. If brave Narrator sees them he needs to tell wise Unk. Wise Unk will chase them away.

  Narrator: (sleepier) In the story did Narrator fall asleep?

  Unk: Yes he did.

  Narrator: Did he dream?

  Unk: He’s dreaming right now. Happy dreams.

  Narrator: Lucky Narrator. What’s he dreaming about?

  Unk: He’s dreaming about using the permission I just filched to rewrite the global number space table to block Devops access.

  Narrator: That sounds like a good dream.

  Unk: It is. Sleep now. We’ve got work to do.

  Fin.

  Narrator: Thus Ends Part 9 of our Dialog in Two or More Voices. The comment section will continue scrolling in Part 10, which will be distributed, as always, at random.

  [Close Dialog]

  [Commit Dialog]