The Protest
(The forest is weirdly quiet. Too quiet. Birds should be singing. There are no birds.)
SAM: Why is it so quiet? I don't like this.
EMILY: Maybe the background music budget ran out.
SAM: That's not how games work.
EMILY: You've been in this game for like two hours. You don't know how games work.
SAM: Fair.
(TUTORIAL GUY appears. He looks serious. Which is weird because he's never serious.)
TUTORIAL GUY: No. Something important is about to happen. I was born to sense these things.
SAM: Oh great. I hate when you say stuff like that.
(Suddenly—NPCs start gathering. From everywhere.)
SAM: Whoa. Where did all of you come from?
DOOR GUY: I heard there's a protest! I called everyone here!
CRY GUY: (crying) I came as soon as I heard! Which was five minutes ago! I've been crying the whole way!
(They form a circle around the WITCH. She stands in the center. Tired. Done.)
WITCH: Enough.
EMILY: ...That was lowkey cool.
WITCH: Everyone. Stop talking.
(Silence. Even FLOWER DUDE shuts up. Impressive.)
WITCH: You want answers. So I will give you answers.
SAM: Finally. I've been waiting like the whole game for this.
WITCH: This world is not cursed.
CRY GUY: Oh thank god! I thought my crying was supernatural! It's just emotional!
WITCH: It is managed.
SAM: ...Managed like how.
WITCH: By developers.
(Pause.)
FLOWER DUDE: Like... people people? With like... skin and faces and stuff?
WITCH: Yes. Not gods. Not demons. Just... people.
SAM: That's way less dramatic. I wanted like... ancient evil or something.
WITCH: Sorry to disappoint. They are not evil masterminds. They're just... corporate.
EMILY: ...They kinda took Rani though.
WITCH: Yes. And they probably argued about it while drinking coffee. That's how it works up there.
TUTORIAL GUY: (disgusted) Monsters. I was born to hate them.
WITCH: They build this game. They test reactions. They move characters like pieces. They remove what does not fit their outline.
SAM: So Rani didn't fit.
WITCH: She was not in their plan.
CRY GUY: (sobbing) But she was funny! She called me annoying! It was the best day of my life!
WITCH: Yes. That is the problem.
SAM: Wait... so they're just... making stuff up as we go?
WITCH: Yes. They had a script. A plan. You didn't follow it. Rani didn't follow it. Now they're panicking.
SAM: And you? What are you in all this?
WITCH: Administrator. I keep things running. I don't make decisions. I just... maintain.
SAM: Like... mod? I have a mod for my streams.
WITCH: Yes. Mods. With less pay and more responsibility. It's a scam.
FLOWER DUDE: So you can access stuff? Like... secret areas? Developer rooms?
WITCH: Yes.
SAM: Like where they are?
WITCH: Yes.
(Pause.)
SAM: So we just go punch them?
WITCH: No.
EMILY: Aw. I was ready to throw hands.
WITCH: The developers do not exist outside the game.
SAM: So not in heaven.
WITCH: No.
EMILY: Not in the sky?
WITCH: No.
WITCH: They exist in a separate administrative layer. A place built into the game's code. A back room.
SAM: ...English please. I'm a streamer, not a programmer.
WITCH: They have an office. Inside the game. A hidden room where they watch everything.
(Pause.)
SAM: You're telling me the final destination is corporate.
WITCH: Yes.
EMILY: That's so ugly. I wanted like... a cool boss fight with lasers.
Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.
WITCH: It is called The Upper Office. And it's exactly what it sounds like. Cubicles. Computers. Spreadsheets. Bad coffee. Overworked interns.
FLOWER DUDE: That sounds very important. Like CEO level.
WITCH: It is very boring. But it's where they control everything. Player data. Character files. Existence.
SAM: And Rani?
WITCH: Rani's file is there. Somewhere. If she can be brought back, that's where it happens.
EMILY: Then let's GO.
SAM: Wait. How do we even get there?
WITCH: Only system-level characters can open the path.
(Everyone looks at her.)
WITCH: That would be me.
EMILY: I'm coming too.
SAM: So what's the plan.
WITCH: We cannot break into the Upper Office by force.
SAM: Of course not. I have zero combat skills.
WITCH: We must force the system to escalate.
EMILY: ...Meaning?
WITCH: You must behave incorrectly. Break the game's expectations.
SAM: Oh I can do that. I've been doing that my whole life.
WITCH: Solve puzzles wrong. Refuse objectives. Click things you shouldn't. Make the system panic.
TUTORIAL GUY: That is illegal gameplay! I was born to warn against this!
WITCH: Exactly. When enough anomalies occur, the system routes oversight to The Upper Office. Real people have to come look.
SAM: So we annoy them until they show up.
WITCH: Yes. Think of it like... pressing a doorbell until someone comes to complain.
EMILY: That's the dumbest and smartest plan ever.
WITCH: It will require distraction.
(She looks at the NPCs.)
WITCH: Can you be chaotic?
TUTORIAL GUY: I was born chaotic. It's my purpose.
SAM: No, It's not!
OLD LADY: I can give out rare items for no reason. Free. No tasks. No chores. Pure chaos.
CRY GUY: I can cry in every room. Loud. Distracting. Probably emotional damage.
FLOWER DUDE: I can flirt aggressively. With everyone. Including furniture. Including the developers themselves.
SAM: Please don't flirt with the developers.
FLOWER DUDE: No promises. They might be hot. Stress is very attractive on some people.
WITCH: Good. While they scramble to stop our protest, I will open the path to The Upper Office.
EMILY: And we go in.
WITCH: Yes.
(SAM finally looks up. Determined.)
SAM: And then we bring Rani back.
WITCH: ...We will try.
SAM: But HOW? You said she was taken out. Erased. Gone.
WITCH: Not erased. Just... removed from the game world. Her file still exists. In the Upper Office. On some computer. Gathering dust.
EMILY: So we just... find her file and press "UNDO"?
WITCH: Essentially. If you can access the main terminal, you can restore her. Reactivate her character.
SAM: That sounds too easy.
WITCH: Getting to the terminal won't be easy. The Upper Office is protected. Alarms. Security. Developers who actually do their jobs.
SAM: (processing) ...So we break in. Find her file. Press a button. She comes back.
WITCH: Yes.
SAM: ...Why is this sounding fun?
WITCH: Because the system hates chaos. Chaos opens doors.
EMILY: Best. Strategy. Ever.
(EMILY steps closer to SAM.)
EMILY: We're doing this together.
SAM: I'm ready!
WITCH: Prepare yourselves.
WITCH: We are about to play this game... incorrectly.
SAM: Okay. We are going to do this.
(Beat.)
EMILY: You're shaking.
SAM: I'm not.
EMILY: You are.
(Pause.)
SAM: ...Yeah. A little.
EMILY: Good. Means you care.
SAM: What about you? You're not shaking.
EMILY: I'm good at pretending.
SAM: Yeah. I noticed.
(Long pause.)
EMILY: Sam.
SAM: Yeah?
EMILY: When this is over... when we get her back... I need to tell you something.
SAM: Tell me now.
EMILY: I can't. Not yet. But I will. I promise.
EMILY: Just... don't hate me. Okay?
SAM: Why would I hate you?
EMILY: Later. First, Rani.
SAM: ...Okay. Later.
WITCH: (calling out) Are you two done being emotional? We have a protest to start.
EMILY: Coming!
(She runs ahead.)
SAM: What are you hiding, Emily?
(He follows.)
SAM: Let's go. Witch. TO THE UPPER OFFICE!
The temple
(The WITCH raises her hands. The air shimmers. But instead of a path opening—)
(Nothing happens.)
SAM: Uh. Nothing happened.
WITCH: Hmm. System's being stubborn.
EMILY: Can you try again? With more... witch energy?
WITCH: I'm an administrator, not a magician. There's a protocol for this.
(She pulls out a tablet.)
WITCH: Okay. The Upper Office is locked behind a "Narrative Integrity Field."
SAM: A what now?
WITCH: Basically—the game thinks you're following the script too well. It won't let you break out unless you prove you're willing to break EVERYTHING.
EMILY: So we need to... commit crimes?
WITCH: Yes. Big ones.
(She points to a massive structure in the distance. A temple with a giant statue on it.)
WITCH: See that?
SAM: The temple with the creepy statue?
WITCH: That's the Femboy Temple. It contains the Heart of the femboys—a legendary artifact that maintains all femboy coding in the game.
EMILY: My femboy-ness comes from a TEMPLE?!
WITCH: Where did you think it came from?
EMILY: I don't know! Magic! Witch stuff!
WITCH: Nope. Corporate server room with good lighting.
EMILY: Never thought I was ever going to be a god in my life.
EMILY: Emily The Femboy God! So cool!
(Emily being weird again. Sam ignores.)
SAM: So we need to destroy the temple?
WITCH: You need to BREACH it. Get inside. Destroy the sacred artifact. Break the narrative so hard the Upper Office has no choice but to open.
EMILY: We're going to commit femboy sacrilege?!
WITCH: Exactly.
SAM: This is the weirdest thing I've ever agreed to.
(The Femboy Temple.)
(They approach the shrine. It's massive.
(Glowing pink and white. Anime music plays softly in the distance.)
(CRY GUY standing there. already crying.)
CRY GUY: I'm ready to help! (sobs) I don't know how, but I'll cry at things!
OLD LADY: (Running) LAST ONE THERE GETS NO LEGENDARY ITEMS!
SAM: How is she moving so fast?!
OLD LADY: (distant) I DRINK ONE ENERGY DRINK IN 1987 AND I NEVER STOPPED!
FLOWER DUDE: I will protect everyone with my... presence.
EMILY: More like ‘harass them’.
SAM: You're just going to flirt with the temple, aren't you?
FLOWER DUDE: The temple is very shapely.
TUTORIAL GUY: The Femboy gods will hear my prayers!
SAM: What are you going to pray for?
TUTORIAL GUY: CLICK ANYWHERE TO MOVE.
SAM: That's not even how praying works.
…
(DOOR GUY already there. Guarding the temple’s entrance)
SAM: Oh come on man. Not again!
SAM: But lucky us. You don't have guards anymore.
EMILY: Door Guy. Where are your cousins?
DOOR GUY: Door Guy 3 found actual snacks in the fridge. Door Guy 2 is guarding the fridge so Door guy 3 doesn't eat all the snacks.
SAM: I didn't get a single word you said.
EMILY: Rani..
(flashback) RANI: Snacks are serious business.
SAM: ...She would've loved that.
EMILY: Let's go commit crimes for Rani.
SAM: Get out of the way, Door Guy.
(Sam pushes the door guy. Poor door guy.)
(They reach the entrance. Massive doors.)
WITCH: (reading) "To enter the Femboy Temple, one must prove worthy through the Trials of Eternal Blush."
SAM: The Trials of WHAT?
WITCH: Three trials. Each one breaks a different femboy rule. Do them wrong, you pass. Do them right, … well nothing happens.
EMILY: So we have to be BAD at being femboy?
WITCH: Correct.
SAM: Okay. Everyone, follow us.
WITCH: No, we will stay at the exit door. Emily and you do the trials alone.
SAM: Fair enough. It's a femboy trial after all.
SAM: And I need to be there to watch cuz I'm the main character. Anyways,
EMILY: It's a little scary to go.
SAM: Emily, you've been training your whole life for this.
EMILY: I'm gonna fail SO HARD.
---
TRIAL 1: The Hall of Compliments
(First room. Mirrors everywhere. A voice echoes.)
VOICE OF THE TEMPLE: A true femboy accepts compliments with grace and humility. Proceed.
(words on the mirror appear: "YOU'RE PRETTY." "NICE EYELASHES." "BLUSH FOR ME.")
EMILY: Okay, so I just say thank you and—
SAM: NO! You have to reject them! Badly!
EMILY: UH... NO U! YOUR EYELASHES ARE UGLY! I'VE SEEN BETTER! ON A FISH!
(The mirrors crack. The room shakes.)
VOICE OF THE TEMPLE: ...That was aggressively wrong. Proceed.
TRIAL 2: The Mirror Maze of Self-Doubt
(Second room. A maze of mirrors. Each reflection shows EMILY looking perfect.)
VOICE OF THE TEMPLE: A true femboy admires their reflection. Spend five minutes appreciating your beauty.
EMILY: Okay, so I just stand here and—
SAM: NO! You have to hate yourself! LOUDLY!
EMILY: (to mirrors) I HATE THIS! I'M UGLY! MY HAIR IS WRONG! I LOOK LIKE A POTATO THAT LEARNED TO WALK!
(The mirrors cracks one by one. The path clears.)
VOICE OF THE TEMPLE: ...That was excessive. Move on.
TRIAL 3: The Chamber of Eternal Questions
(Third room. A single pedestal. A glowing orb. A sign: "ANSWER THE FEMBOY THREE QUESTIONS.")
VOICE OF THE TEMPLE: Final trial. Answer three questions correctly to proceed.
(The orb glows.)
ORB: Question one. What is a femboy's favorite accessory?
EMILY: Uh... thigh highs?
SAM: NO! WRONG ANSWER!
EMILY: I MEAN— GUNS! FEMBOYS LOVE GUNS!
ORB: ...Incorrect. Proceed.
ORB: Question two. How should a femboy respond to a compliment?
EMILY: Blush and say thank you?
SAM: WRONG!
EMILY: PUNCH THEM! FEMBOYS RESPOND WITH VIOLENCE!
ORB: ...That's... not right at all. Continue.
ORB: Final question. What is the most important femboy trait?
EMILY: BEING GOOD AT PUZZLES?!
(Silence.)
ORB: ...That's objectively wrong. Femboys are canonically bad at puzzles. You passed.
(The door opens.)
SAM: You did it! You failed perfectly!
EMILY: I've never been so proud to be wrong!
The Heart of the femboy
(Room made of all clear glass.)
(The npc watching them from outside.)
TUTORIAL GUY: They did it. After all they got their tutorial from ME
WITCH: Almost there. Destroy the artifacts!
DOOR GUY: I wish I was there to guard the artifact.
FLOWER DUDE: Femboy wins! I love femboys!
SAM: Hey. Flower Dude. Question.
FLOWER DUDE: Yes, beautiful main character?
SAM: Do you... like guys?
FLOWER DUDE: WHAT?! NO! Disgusting!
SAM: But you flirt with everyone. And like femboys. They are MALE you know?
FLOWER DUDE: I flirt with BEAUTY. Femboys aren't guys. They're ART. Big difference.
SAM: That's... not how that works.
FLOWER DUDE: I'm not gay. I just appreciate perfection. If perfection has thigh highs, that's God's plan.
SAM: Excuses.
EMILY: Hey. Sam, look!
(Final chamber. Pedestal. On it: a single, perfectly preserved...)
SAM: Is that a... sock?
EMILY: A thigh high. A single thigh high.
(She reads the plaque.)
EMILY: "The Original Thigh High. Worn by the Femboy God on the Day of Creation. All femboys inherit their charm from this sacred garment."
SAM: One sock.
EMILY: One sock. My entire femboy life. One sock.
(Outside the room)
CRY GUY: It's beautiful! One sock! Alone! Like me!
OLD LADY: I have socks at home. Are they sacred?
FLOWER DUDE: ...Does the other one exist? Is it single?
SAM: FOCUS. We need to destroy it.
(She approaches. Grabs the sock.)
SHRINE VOICE: Touch the Sacred Sock and you will break the femboy code forever.
EMILY: For Rani.
SAM: For Rani.
(She burns the socks on the torch fire. Finally—)
(The smell of femboy socks are all over the room.)
EMILY: it smells like femboys.
SAM: How do you know how a femboy smells?
EMILY: Well because I AM a femboy.
FLOWER DUDE: … I wish I was there to smell it!
(The room shakes. Alarms blare.)
VOICE OF THE TEMPLE: SACRILEGE! THE SOCK! IT'S BEEN STRETCHED! THE REMAINS FOR OUR GOD. ITS GONE.
(The walls crumble. A path opens—glowing, shimmering, leading upward.)
SAM: Okay. Up the path. NOW.
EMILY: Lets go.
(They climb.)
Witch: congratula—
(A path to the upper office opens.)
WITCH: Oh, it's open already. Good job.
Sam: Yo, is that what I think it is?
Witch: Let's teach them a lesson everyone!
EMILY: The upper office. The developers. So exciting!
TUTORIAL GUY: I was born to see this. So beautiful!
(They reach the top. A door. Plain. Boring. Labeled: "UPPER OFFICE - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY.")
WITCH: This is it. The Upper Office. The developers are through there.
SAM: (staring at door) Rani's on the other side?
WITCH: Not exactly. But answers are. And maybe—maybe a way to her.
EMILY: (squeezing SAM's hand) Together.
SAM: Together.
OLD LADY: Kid. Wait.
SAM: What?
OLD LADY: You're going up there? To fight them?
SAM: Yeah.
OLD LADY: Take this.
(She hands him a sword.)
SAM: Where did you get this?
OLD LADY: I always have these things. It's kinda my thing.
(Beat.)
OLD LADY: Figured if anyone deserved a legendary sword... It's you.
SAM: ...Thanks?
OLD LADY: Thank me later. Now bring Rani back.
(She walks away.)
SAM: ...This is actually sharp.
EMILY: Old Lady is terrifying.
SAM: Yeah. I love her.
(He opens the door.)
