Cartalis couldn’t speak.

  Well, that was perhaps an exaggeration. Cartalis was fully physically

  equipped to speak, she’d forgotten no words, and she suffered from no

  illness that scratched her throat or otherwise prevented her from

  talking. However, in her current mood, the idea of forming words seemed

  like it was just so much effort. To talk meant to think the

  words over in her head, to find the right ways to express herself, to

  force the ever-changing maelstrom of thoughts into something sensible,

  and then at last open her mouth and form the sounds. It was a

  challenging task on the best of days, what with The Fiery One constantly

  screaming in the back of her mind.

  Today was not the best of days. The classroom environment that she’d

  grown to love so today felt oppressive. Students sauntered in, happily

  chatting with their mates about how Teacher such-and-such deserved to be

  fired or how their girlfriend was so disrespectful or some other

  nonsense. Normally tuning it out was no great difficulty, but today…

  Today it was so damned overwhelming. Today she just wished they would

  all shut. Up.

  Can’t you see how loud you are?

  Can’t you see nobody cares about your meaningless struggles?

  Can’t you see how angry I am?

  Shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP.

  It wasn’t rational, of course. Could others see inside Cartalis’ mind

  to the turmoil she felt? Cartalis knew in her heart of hearts that

  their struggles weren’t worthless, even if she couldn’t bring herself to

  care at this moment. Even she didn’t fully understand how the

  events of yesterday would affect her so, to such an extent she nearly

  stayed in her dorm and idly read her books - but a straight record of

  never missing a day of class was still too important to her, so she put

  up with the torture and attended just as she would any other day. Sit at

  the front of the overlarge lecture room, notebook and pen before her,

  ready to take notes, no matter how little she could bring herself to

  care today and no matter how much she wanted to simply curl up in a ball

  in some corner and think about nothi-

  “Hi, Cartalis!”

  Ah. Arenya had just arrived. Bubbly and eager and highly emotive as

  usual. Her presence was usually such a joy, with her eager grin and her

  creativity and her ever-genuine, if not always successful, attempts to

  learn everything she could about mana and channeling. Arenya deserved a

  hearty greeting befitting the friend she was. Her blue dress matched her

  well this day. How could she remain so excited so frequently? Or was

  she simply able to hide her emotions well, like Cartalis could on most

  days that weren’t today? She wasn’t sure.

  Cartalis raised her hand in a vague impression of a wave. She was

  glad Arenya was here, of course she was, but she didn’t want to talk.

  All she wanted was for Professor Kazurist to enter, for the lecture to

  begin, and then to end, and then she could go home and stew in her own

  mind in peaceful solitude.

  But while she was here, having someone next to her, even just

  silently being there, was a comfort. Just as long as she didn’t try to

  engage her in c-

  “So how are you doing?”

  Of course, Arenya had no way of knowing anything was awry and would

  get up to her usual joyous greeting without a moment’s hesitation. No

  blame could be placed on her, but Cartalis felt a searing flash of

  frustration anyway.

  Cartalis shrugged, hoping that was enough of an answer.

  Arenya, alas, was unsatisfied.

  “Have you gotten any more research done?”

  A slight nod.

  “How’s the costume design coming along with Ya’el?”

  A tilt of the hand in a so-so gesture.

  “Drav was telling me all about the idea you came up with for how the

  automata would enter for the fight scene. I’m looking forward to seeing

  it in action. How about you?”

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  Shut up shut up shut up shut up sh-

  No. No, no, no. Cartalis shoved her undeserved anger deep within

  herself. Arenya deserved better than that. She had no wrongdoing here,

  merely ignorance that Cartalis was in such poor spirits. To lash out at

  her would be amoral beyond belief. Just… just answer her, dammit, just -

  “Are you okay? You look really upset.”

  …

  Oh.

  She noticed.

  Someone noticed.

  That mere realization that someone, anyone at all, could be aware of

  her plight, was… heartening wasn’t quite the right word, but it’s the

  word that occurred to Cartalis at that moment.

  Her shoulders slumped and she sighed heavily.

  Arenya reached out towards Cartalis. “I… Do you need somethi-”

  Cartalis flinched away from Arenya’s hand just before it came into contact with her shoulder. “Don’t touch me.”

  Cartalis wasn’t sure what was worse - that those were nearly the

  first words she’d said all day, or that she couldn’t bring herself to

  feel the least bit of remorse for saying it.

  “Oh! I’m sorry.”

  “’T’s all right,” muttered Cartalis before laying her forearms on the

  table and resting her head in them. Normally, when she found herself

  this upset - a rare occurrence, to be sure - after the first instance

  where she would force herself to speak, she’d realize that words weren’t

  so challenging after all and be able to keep up a conversation, at

  least for a small while. This time, however, that was all the speaking

  she could muster. She didn’t want to answer any more of Arenya’s

  questions, even if they deserved an answer. She didn’t not care

  about Arenya - forfend such a thought! - but to give adequate answers

  seemed too much effort. Just let her lie there in silence for a few

  moments, ’twas all she wished.

  The next few minutes before Professor Kazurist arrived passed in

  silence between them, though the rest of the room remained raucous.

  Despite that not a word passed between them, and despite Cartalis’

  frustration at Arenya’s (admittedly well-intentioned) attempt to hug

  her, and despite that Cartalis wished to be alone, there was a comfort

  in knowing someone else was there, feeling something with her. Arenya

  did not know what upset Cartalis so, nor would she, for Cartalis wished

  to keep it to herself. But having someone else to feel concerned for

  Cartalis, to share with her some sympathy on her behalf, even indirectly

  so, felt… good, somehow. Her vocabulary failed her here.

  The room quieted when Professor Kazurist entered. Cartalis lifted her

  head and took a handful of notes during the opening minutes of the

  lecture, before ultimately laying her head back on the table and idly

  listening. It was mostly review anyway, given that the first semester

  was nearing its end and exams beginning to approach. This too was a

  comfort, to hear a professor’s excited, but not too excited, voice carry

  on about a topic she cared about so. Even if she could not bring

  herself to take notes, pay especially close attention, or even look

  around, it still relaxed her to hear the familiar terms, the classic

  equations, the occasional pun…

  Cartalis realized after a moment that she was crying. At that, she

  resolved to keep her head down for a time longer. She didn’t wish for

  anyone else to bother, or to ask the stupid questions they always did

  about how they could help or provide the same handful of insipid and

  meaningless platitudes.

  A hubbub of conversation began. It took a moment for Cartalis to

  realize Professor Kazurist had asked them to answer a question in small

  groups before he would provide the real answer. This, thankfully, was a

  deal more muted than what had occurred before class, so that it was

  almost relaxing as background noise.

  Despite that, or perhaps because of it, the footsteps nearby cut

  through the noise around her like a knife. She knew what was coming,

  even before Professor Kazurist spoke.

  “Cartalis, you’re not acting much like yourself. Is everything all ri-”

  “She doesn’t want to talk, Professor.”

  Despite it all, Cartalis’ lips twitched. Finally - finally! - someone

  understood. And of course it was Arenya, her first and truest friend

  she’d found since joining Ba’al Cedric’s.

  “I see,” said Kazurist. “Well, if you change your mind, know that I’m always here.”

  The footsteps sounded again as Kazurist walked away, presumably to

  help another group of students with more traditional questions. The buzz

  of conversation became the only sound Cartalis could hear.

  Cartalis stayed there for a few moments longer. After some moments,

  when her tears dried, she finally lifted her head. It felt strange,

  almost alien, to be seeing again at the moment. Everything looked oddly

  bright, almost aggressively so. Was the room always this lit? It made

  her wish to put her head back down, but she grit her teeth and bore it.

  Whether that was from desire or a stubbornness buried deep within her,

  she wasn’t sure.

  Still, for once, she felt a palpable sense of relief when class was over.

  She barely kept from sighing heavily as the hubbub of conversation erupted around her once more.

  She put her things away as quickly as she dared and looked to Arenya.

  Arenya’s smile was obviously forced, but she put one on anyway and

  waved. No words. Just a slight move of her hand and that was all.

  Despite their differences, and despite perhaps a momentary confusion,

  she understood Cartalis in her moment of anger.

  Cartalis was shocked to find that her smile back wasn’t forced at

  all. She couldn’t bring herself to speak, still, but she did mouth a

  thanks back.

  And now, back to her dorm. Back to peace, back to a familiar place

  where she could be alone with her thoughts and have a bath and a meal.

  The thought occurred to her that maybe she should have the meal with

  Arenya there. Perhaps she did need some company, even if it was just the

  presence of another and not a conversation…

  But in the end she trudged home herself.