- Liana -

  - Some time earlier -

  The past weeks were hard on me, if there's anything I can say about them.

  As I was permitted my own room, I could dodge most unwanted spider contact, but in the long run, the loneliness gets to me.

  That is, it's not as lonely as I'd like it to be.

  Like right now.

  "Scrrsh"

  "Scrrshk"

  Yeah, I am in some kind of dining hall.

  Just the spider version.

  Here I have to get my meals if I want to eat.

  With hundreds of gigantic spiders...

  Hell, if this doesn't make me shiver.

  Thing is, while at the start, I was allowed to receive my own share of food as a separate portion, in due time, I was informed that all reserves related to processed humans were emptied, which meant to them that I could just get my goop from the main reservoir.

  Did I mention that I'm not a big fan of the goop?

  Okay, the taste is surprisingly fine, but it's getting a bit monotonous, especially regarding the texture.

  Taste isn't everything after all.

  Furthermore, that I have to eat from the same trough as the other spiders makes this a lot worse.

  And that I can feel those related to Neri doesn't make this better.

  Although they are... surprisingly accommodating.

  When I get to eat, they allow me to get to the trough and gather my share in a bowl, and none of them would get in my way or interfere.

  They also seem to recognize my scent.

  At least, I feel this kind of reception from them when I encounter one of Neri's, and other spiders are at least indifferent.

  While those forced interactions might be rather harsh on my mind, I'm at least glad that I'm not forced to hunt myself.

  Evidently, it’s because I'm supposed to be something like a personal attendant to Neri.

  Or a bodyguard?

  Not like I did much in that regard, but they seem to accept me as such, which means my duties don't lie in hunting.

  On the other side, if I want to get anything other than goop, I have to gather it myself.

  If not much else, I'm at least allowed to go out into the forest at times.

  Not too far off, but far enough that I can gather myself some mushrooms, fruits, or berries.

  The Evergrove got, unsurprisingly, plenty of this.

  I even eat edible herbs sometimes, just to get something different than the goop on my palate, once in a while.

  I've even had it that a silver spider brought me the carcass of some rodent.

  I should've probably been more appreciative of that, but given how severely mutilated it was, and still dripping acid... I wasn't.

  My gatherings, I'm allowed to process in this rudimentary kitchen cave.

  It's not exactly a great setup, but it gets the job done.

  Still, even with all my effort put into accommodating myself here, I am not in a mentally great state.

  I don't have anybody to speak with, and this horror realm is the kind of place where I could really use someone to talk to, just to process everything.

  The only potential talking partners other than Neri would be the arachne monsters.

  Those sisters.

  Yet those I've obviously been avoiding.

  Speaking of avoiding, positively, Neri didn't approach me during the past weeks.

  Which I’ve been glad for, as I just can't with her right now.

  Not after what happened.

  At least, that's how it’s been, but now I feel she's heading right in my direction.

  At first, I try to dodge her, hoping that she either is coming this way by sheer coincidence or may get the hint.

  However, neither is the case, and she continues on.

  As I realize how vexingly pointless it is to avoid someone who can track you with their mind, I stand in place and ultimately, she catches up.

  Patiently, I wait for her to say something, even though I would like to avoid this confrontation.

  Yet, as I maybe should have expected, Neri doesn't get a word out.

  Seems like I'll have to do that for her as well.

  "Neri? What do you want?" (Liana)

  That came out a little bit harsher than I intended.

  For all I know, she doesn't have any malicious intent.

  I doubt that she's playing an act, as it wouldn't quite matter, with as thorough her control over my mind as she has.

  "Talking, I guess? Sorry, there's something I wanted to discuss with you." (N)

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  "Is it important? I had something of my own to do." (L)

  I'd really like to cut this short, or it may proceed poorly.

  "Liana. I, I believe that you're avoiding me." (N)

  Of course, I am!

  Interacting with her reminds me of how dependent I am of her whims, and worse, she may accidentally influence me again.

  "Maybe because I am? If I don't, I might again get literally caught up in your thoughts. I, I don't want this, okay?!" (L)

  It happened sometimes that, as children her age are, she blurts the words out without thinking.

  Then I'm stuck with that urge in my head that I can't get rid of, unless she takes it back or I fulfill her request.

  Yes, this truly has the potential to become quite dire.

  "I promise I wouldn't do this. Please, you know me. I'm not like this!" (N)

  I do.

  But if I'm being honest, this isn't the true reason why I'm avoiding her.

  "Oh, you mean something like forcing me to throw myself in front of you and fight your terrific, monster sisters only because you got a bad time? Something like that?" (L)

  That's it.

  What truly shook me was what happened back then.

  Back when she transformed.

  Back when her screaming mind threatened to completely overwhelm me, and eradicate any thought left inside me.

  Because that was unlike anything else.

  It wasn't a direct order.

  Similar, yet at the same time not.

  If her usual orders are like a constant tease, an itch that gets worse unless it's scratched by compliance, this was a primal urge.

  Hunger, fear, pain, all of this was shoved directly into me, so I'd aid this spider.

  "You know that wasn't intentional! I would never force you to do anything on purpose!" (N)

  This doesn't change anything.

  Certainly not that I had no real choice on that matter.

  Worse, I didn't just feel her needs, but all of her mental anguish.

  All of this pain, terror, and sheer dysphoria were shoved into me without any option to do something about it.

  "Is this supposed to make it better?! I'm a slave to your thoughts, Neri. I mean, I knew that, but what happened back then showed just how little of a choice I have on that matter. I couldn't even try to say 'no'. Before, I had at least a semblance of control, but back then, I couldn't fight the urges that overwhelmed my mind. It was like my own self wasn't even there, just a puppet for you to command. I know, you don't do this intentionally. I can't blame you for this. But... But I'm so petty that I still do." (L)

  The thing is, I still occasionally feel like this.

  That at any moment, it might happen to me again.

  The connection to Neri serves as a small teasing reminder of what happened back then.

  So no, I don't really want to see Neri.

  Not after what happened.

  "Uh, right. Sorry. Could-" (N)

  "Please. Please, don't say 'forgive me'." (L)

  I am still not sure how far her orders can actually influence who I am, but the mere idea is terrifying.

  I think, on a fundamental level, I'm safe, yet things like forcing me not to lash out and calm down seem possible, so even worse may also be.

  The mere fact that the line is a bit blurry is bad enough.

  Therefore, I want to get away from here before something bad happens.

  Any excuse would be good enough.

  "Look, I need to find myself something to eat in the forest. You may not know, but familiars have to provide for themselves, and while I theoretically can eat that goop together with the others, I don't find that all too appealing. So would you now please allow me to go?" (L)

  I just got some, but it would at least serve as a way to get out of his conversation.

  As long as she cannot detect lies as well.

  Maybe if I just leave quickly enough, it will help.

  "Wait, Liana! Please, I..." (N)

  Abruptly, I stop, the intent to move suddenly vanishing and being swapped with the strong urge to halt.

  It's a direct command, so it's pretty intense.

  I could probably force a bit of movement, but being forced not to act not only sets up the itch for the time I fight against it, which would be bearable if it remains isolated, but it directly goes into my head, making me lose focus on my other intentions as it works to keep me still.

  It's like it jumbles my prior motivation to leave, which is particularly bad.

  Urgh, at least I can think my part and react accordingly.

  "So much for that." (L)

  "S-sorry. Y-you don't have to, but I... there was something important to tell you." (N)

  With the reconsideration, the urge vanishes, and I feel again how I can think clearly about walking away.

  Yet whatever Neri has to say is probably important enough to warrant all this, so it would be dumb to ignore her.

  "Please, get it out, or I won't be able to move freely." (L)

  I may just walk away, but for me, it's pretty hard to just ignore Neri.

  It's simply impossible to get her out of my mind.

  "I, I'm going to have my emergence soon. That's, uh, that..." (N)

  "Neri!" (L)

  I certainly didn't want to hear the long version.

  "That means many spiders are going to crawl everywhere out of my skin! I, I think this is going to be rather hard on me, and I fear this will affect you as well!" (N)

  Is she telling me that over the next days I'm guaranteed a repeat of that transformation incident, just in a different flavor?

  Urgh!

  "Oh, wonderful. Something else to look forward to." (L)

  "I'm sorry. I know this isn't fair to you." (N)

  "No, it's not. But life was never very fair to me. So who cares if more gets dumped on me? Now I'm stuck here, and I don't even have..." (L)

  It wasn't fair to me when my parents died in that freak accident.

  It wasn't fair to me when my mentor died.

  And it certainly wasn't fair to me to give me magic, only to make my respective reserves so small that I couldn't use either properly and was only left with a weak body, incapable of getting most labor done properly.

  And now I'm stuck here, in that case, while the world thinks I'm dead.

  They'll hold my burial, move on, and get rid of everything...

  Damn...

  "Liana?" (N)

  I can't deal with this right now.

  "You know, it doesn't matter. Please, let me go. I need to be alone for a bit." (L)

  "Okay." (N)

  "Fine. Thanks." (L)

  Thus, she leaves, and I'm finally allowed to think freely again.

  To act freely.

  Right.

  There was something that I had to do.

  I’ve got to at least try.

  Hopefully, I’ll be able to hold out long enough before she pulls me back.

  And if not…well, doesn't matter.

  I just have to do this.