These negotiations are going terribly.

  "-which leads to a fifty percent decrease in foot related diseases. Which is even more impressive given the Centapods have over a hundred each."

  We have been listening to... this, for two and a half hours. Two and a half hours of spreadsheets and diagrams about disease prevention and agricultural production and how much money you can save by switching to Galactic Union. There have been no questions or bathroom breaks. Just Inanna. Talking. Nonstop. I'm starting to believe she doesn't need to breathe. I know Phibians do, but I think she doesn't.

  "-leading to a more prosperous tomorrow for everyone. Thank you. I now open the floor to any questions."

  Oh Space Christ it's over. My ass is numb and I have a headache. Raze is snoring. Fairy has been chewing at her nails for at least the last hour. And I'm pretty sure Sagaci is dehydrated.

  The only one still standing at attention is the Diegiton delegate. Hasn't moved a millimeter since the show began. Wouldn't be surprised to learn they turned themselves off at some point. Got to save some power.

  "Inquiry:"

  "Yes, anything."

  A giddy Inanna is not what I was expecting to see today.

  "In what way do any of the things you have listed help the Diegitron?"

  A speechless, downtrodden Inanna is not what I was expecting to see today.

  "W-well if you, uhm... m-maybe I just bring back slide thirty seven."

  "Interjection: The Diegiton possesses no need for a water purification system. We suffer no maladies from parasites nor bacteria. Of the One Hundred and Seventeen slides utilized during this presentation, only one had anything of slight value to my race."

  "W-which one was that?"

  "Acknowledgement: Slide eighty four. Synthetic lubrication."

  Space Jesus, the second hand embarrassment is unbearable. I should stop this. In another minute or two.

  "I'm sure there is something I haven't covered yet. Let me just double back to the advances in anti fungal creams."

  Our delegate is standing from their seat. Might want to sell the magic beans already Inanna.

  "Wait! There are still so many things we can still discuss."

  "Rebuttal: None that will be worth the effort of joining with the Galactic Union. These negotiations will now cease."

  Ok, I let this go far enough. Time to step in.

  "I can think of something that will get you back in that chair."

  "Inquiry: What would that be?"

  "Weapons."

  Inanna practically drags me to the side and does her best to speak softly and out of earshot.

  "Captain, Galactic Union regulation on negotiations with potential members strictly states we are not to speak about armaments of any kind."

  "I am well aware of what the regulations say. I'm also aware that nothing else has worked."

  "Then nothing will. We can't save this by breaking the rules."

  There's a chair squeak. We both turn to see the delegate back at their seat. Waiting. I can tell Inanna wants to punch me. Unfortunately, she's going to have to get in line.

  "I thought that might be of greater interest. There is an immense variety of arms available from all across the galaxy. Tell me, is there anything specific you had in mind?"

  "Statement: Combat efficiency against our current mutual advisory has stalled. Despite numerous attempts to improve our position, nothing has made a significant improvement for one hundred and seventy two of your standard years. Inquiry: Tell me, how have you handled incursions from the Flesh Harvesters?"

  I can feel a shiver down my spine. Flesh Harvesters; brutal and crude, I know, but nothing else caught on. What else do you call an endless swarm of giant insects that eat whole cities with acidic jaws? I've never met one up close, only seen the pictures. Mostly of their aftermath. It's horrible. They leave nothing but bones, hence their name. Nobody knows why. They can chew through the armor of a tank in seconds flat, I've seen it, so they have to be doing it on purpose. Some say it's a warning, a scare tactic to any that try to oppose them. Others think there is something in the bones that is bad for them, possibly even deadly. Me, I think they just don't like the taste and have so much food from attacking our citizens they have the luxury of being picky.

  "I think it best to leave this to our war expert. Raze, you're up."

  Raze jumped out of his seat. He looks utterly shocked that I called him up. Inanna doubly so. I step aside and leave it to the degenerate reptile man.

  Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  "As of this date, there have been more major Flesh Harvester incisions on Union territory than I care to count."

  "Interjection: Two hundred and nine."

  "Right, thanks. Anyway, there have been a lot. Along with countless smaller skirmishes and do NOT tell me what the files say, they are wrong, it's way more. The Rackter have been involved in many of them. You could say we are experts."

  "Inquiry: Have you personally fought the Flesh Harvesters?"

  "Not personally, no. Though I have received the training."

  Careful Raze. Your ego is showing.

  "Regardless of my personal experience, there have been many different tactics attempted against the Flesh Harvesters. Through trial and error we have found a few that work. Tell me, if a Harvester hunting pack were to attack the craft you have parked and aiming so graciously at us, what would your tactics be?"

  "Statement: The most logical course of action would be to dedicate maximum power to the point defense systems in anticipation of the oncoming fighter swarm."

  "Yes, very logical, and also wrong. You need to open fire with your secondary arms."

  "Rebuttal: Illogical. What you classify as secondary armaments are inefficient. Dedicated Point defense weaponry provides maximum protection from smaller craft and projectiles. Dedicated heavy weaponry provides maximum effect against Capital grade targets. There is no need for a weapon that can do neither job to the same degree of effectiveness."

  "And this is why Diegiton incursions have also failed."

  Ouch. I think Raze actually hurt the robot's feelings. Or made it pissed. I really can't tell.

  "We Rackter have developed what we refer to as Ripper Ordinance. These projectiles explode at extremely short ranges launching massive circular blades at targets. Flesh Harvester biofighters have durable and highly regenerative organs so smaller flak is largely ineffective. While the carapace of larger Bioships are designed to be resistant to the concussive force of Area of Effect explosives. The Ripper Ordinance causes tears so large that the organs are incapable of regenerating. While the larger ships have little to fear from the blades damaging critical systems, they can jam up their hangar organs temporarily stopping the launching sequence while leaving large gaps in the carapace making them more vulnerable to following attacks."

  "Rebuttal: The potential effectiveness of such a weapon would be exceptionally limited. The approximate area of effect of large circular blades would be significantly less than flak due to their larger size. Such weapons could also be intercepted in route if activated from too far a distance from the Capital vessel."

  "Which is why it's a first strike. It works best when used just as fighters are being launched. If they manage to deploy enough swarms to make this tactic ineffective, we simply switch to a different ordinance until the opportunity arises again. That lack of versatility is why you have stagnated."

  "Calculations: Hypothetical success rate in stated parameters is seventy two percent. Higher than any current Diegeton strategy. Perhaps there is something the Galactic Union has to offer us."

  Seems I underestimated Raze. If nothing else he knows his weapons. While the United Humanities is so far from Flesh Harvester territory the likelihood of an attack is virtually zero, the science boys have been working on some possible counters regardless. One I heard was a similar system referred to as shredder missiles. They are non-explosive and covered in jagged blades with the intention of slicing through Biofighter swarms then imbedding into the capital ships. I'll have to let them know they are on the right track.

  "Excellent. Now how about we move on to the next step. Fairy, do you mind getting the Membership papers ready?"

  "Right away Captain. Do the Diegitron prefer digital or physical paperw-"

  "Interjection: The Diegitron have no intention of joining the Galactic Union."

  Well there goes the wind in my sails.

  "What do you mean you have no intention of joining. Isn't that why you are here?"

  "Statement: The purpose of this negotiation is to see what value the Galactic Union has to the Diegiton. Not to see what value the Diegiton has to the Galactic Union."

  "If I may speak crassly."

  Inanna being crass. This will be interesting.

  "Do the Diegiton truly expect the Galactic Union to give up all our weapons technology and tactics, some of which we have been forced to use against the Diegiton themselves, in exchange for nothing?"

  "Statement: The Diegiton are willing to offer a non-aggression pact in exchange for the Union's cooperation. Thus allowing us to both operate unimpeded by each other."

  "Oh ggGGGiii shit."

  Glad Raze is here because if he didn't say that, I would have.

  "Every hatchling knows the only reason you metal asses haven't launched a full scale invasion is because the Flesh Harvesters have been beating you into scraps. You really expect us to trust your word alone?"

  "Statement: The parameters for this negotiation was that only a single Diegiton unit, unarmed and with no means of personal defense, would be sent for the proceedings. At great risk to my personal existence, those parameters have been met. In previous negotiations it was the Galactic Union side that had repeatedly failed to fulfill all requirements. There are two options. Allow me to leave this vessel without further interruption and we shall part in peace or agree to the terms as presented. Any action besides those two will result in retaliation."

  And back to the bottom. There has to be some way to salvage this- Oh wait, watch is ringing.

  "Excuse me for a moment, I have to take this."

  It's Vivvian. Left her alone on the bridge. Told her to only interrupt if it was important.

  "The Predators are surrounding our herd."

  I almost understood that one.

  "Send the info. Fairy, put this on the big screen."

  A sensor scan. Long range and low quality. It's faint, but there is definitely something on it.

  "Inanna, Raze, any idea what that is?"

  "Negative captain."

  I knnnow that onnne. Thhhat is a Harrrrvessster Vessel."

  "Shit. We need battle stations. Fairy, get our guest to the panic room we need to go now people."

  "Interjection: I believe your scanners to be incorrect. I have communicated with my escorting vessel and there is no sign of any Flesh Harvester bioship."

  "You really want to gamble at being wrong?"

  "Statement: We are not wrong. That is a virtual impossibility."

  "Warm blood, the ship is moving! Heading straight for the Diegiton vessel at high speed."

  "We'll never make it to the command bay in time. Tell your ship to open fire at the coordinates provided."

  "Rejection: Such action is unnecessary. There is no vessel."

  "Immmpact is immminent. You neeeed to aaact now!"

  "Rejection: Such action is unnecessary. We-"

  I don't know what our emissary said next. What I do know is what it looks like when a Diegiton vessel is rammed by a Bioship at five percent the speed of light.